The Pwnage of Haruhi Suzumiya
by The Layman
Summary: A collection of short Haruhi stories centered around Video games. Mostly taking place within the clubroom form some wierd reason, among other places. New ideas are apriciated and welcomed. *INDEFINITE HIATUS*
1. You just got PwnRolled!

_Hey all, Layamn here! This is my first Haruhi fic, and it's about VIDEOGAMES! The idea was inspired by Metropolis Kid's fic, "Alucard and the Xbox" (with it's very funny Halo 3 sequence), and superstarultra, who did a videogame based short or two in his story, "You got HaruhiRolled". Hope you all enjoy, and stay tuned after the fic for a special announcement._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Damn it Kyon!" SOS1GOD shouted at her comrade, ThatOtherGuy. "He was right in front of you, why didn't you freaking shoot him?"

"Maybe bacause I didn't have any ammo from when you told me to _'Don't stop firing until you're out of ammo' _thirty seconds ago!" ThatOtherGuy retorted back to the Brigade leader. "He wasn't even on my screen then!"

"Now now, let's all try to keep our tempers here," EsperPhantom said in an attempt to keep his teammates civil. "Otherwise we'll only end up tearing out each other's-"

"YOU SHOT ME!" Kyon exploded.

"Damn right I did," Haruhi replied without even a hint of remorse, "that's what you get for talking back to your Brigade Chief!"

"But that's gonna decrease our kill count!"

"So? It's not my problem you guys have no talent."

"You neither; you've been killed fifteen times already!"

"Alright, that tears it!"

"Hey, what are you?- Stop teabagging me!"

"No! It's what you get for being a loser!"

"Dammit Haruhi!"

"Um, g-guys?" MA1D-chan asked nervously, "Which button is 'X'"?

"It's the blue one with an 'X' on it," Itsuki explained, happy to have a diversion from his two bickering squadmates.

"Mikuru!" Haruhi said, also happy for the distraction. "I told you to get familiar with the controls before we started! It just isn't done asking questions like that mid-game!"

"Yeah, like you'd know," Kyon spat.

"OK, Bub, now you're asking for it!" Haruhi raged as she proceeded to tackle the gopher of the SOS Brigade.

"Be quiet," Hax0reD intoned. See, unlike the other "n00bs", (well, except for maybe Itsuki), she was actually doing very well at the game; having more kills then all the others put together. Unfortunately, they were all for the others in the SOS Brigade.

Why you ask?

Well, I'll tell you; because the sixth player in their game, a "TheLayman1X", was kicking their asses every which way to Sunday, even Yuki if you can believe it. I mean, he was wearing the freaking "Recon" armor for crying out loud!

As Yuki tried to get him in her crosshairs, he suddenly turne around and leaped right over her, landing behind her and knifing her in the back with an Energy Sword before she had a chance to even turn around.

"Curses," she intoned, putting down the controller and heading to her favorite chair to read.

About three seconds later the match ended.

"I can't belive Yuki lost," Haruhi said, right in the middle of hog tying Kyon, "she's the best gamer we have."

"Most unfortunate indeed," Itsuki mused, "but I suppose there's bound to be some people out there better at Halo 3 than we are. After all, we only started playing yesterday; it's not as if we can become professional level gamers overnight. It takes time and practice."

"Koizumi, is there anything you don't have an opinion about?" Kyon grunted from the floor.

"Not really," Itsuki beamed, flashing one of his perfect(ly fake) smiles.

"Kyon," Haruhi announced, "as punishment for us loosing that Slayer match, you're gonna get Teabagged!"

"Noooooooo!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, in a dark, dank basement somewhere in America, TheLayman1X sat on a ratty couch, chuckling to himself.

"Ah," he sighed, "all in another day's work. Stupid n00bs, never even saw me coming."

And with that, he shut down his Xbox and went over to his computer, deciding to write a fan fic about his recent exploits.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that, my friends, is the closest I'll ever get to becoming a self insert._

_Well, how did you like it? Does it make you want to write one of your own? If it does (and even if it doesn't), then write it down and send it to me; I'd be happy to host it here. (No, I'm not being lazy or trying to steal other people's ideas, that's just the way I planned on this fic going from the start. Don't worry, you'll all get full credit for your submissions.)_


	2. Go go RPG: part 1

_You know, I honestly did not expect so much adulation for this story; it was written on a lark (stupid plot gerbils!), and it's the first story I've written for the Haruhi Suzumiya fandom. This either speaks volumes about my talent, or you guys are VERY forgiving readers. _

_My money's on the later._

_Anyways, here's another chapter while I wait for the amazing readers to submit there own. At the end I'll explain the three small requirements for submissions. (Don't worry, they really are small; mostly for continuity's sake.)_

_Now, enough rambling, on with Kyon's perspective!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go wrong, and by the time you have to go to sleep you can't because you're on such a high from the perfect day you had?

If so, please drop me a line.

Please?

I suppose you must be wondering why I'd ask that. Well, I'll sum it up for you in two little words.

Haruhi. Suzumiya.

Let me explain...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It was actually a fairly typical day for the SOS Brigade when all the craziness stated; Haruhi was on the large computer clicking away at who knows what, Mikuru Asahina was brewing a batch of her _heavenly _tea (Nectar of the Gods is more fitting, and even that doesn't do it justice), Yuki Nagato was sitting in her corner reading one of those sci-fi books she seems to like so much, and Itsuki Koizumi and I were in the middle of a rousing game of Othello. Yours truly was currently in the lead.

See? Normal, right? Wrong; nothing about this club is ever normal.

And the proof of that is the "knock knock knock" on the door. Or to be more accurate, the package that the person knocking on the door is holding.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

"I'll get it!" Haruhi shouted, leaping up from her chair (almost tripping in the process) and rushing to the door.

"I wonder what's gotten into Miss Suzumiya?" Koizumi said, eyes centered on said person. "Normally-" Please don't 'normally', it's very misleading "- she just says 'come in' or makes one of us get it."

Yeah, usually me.

"Must be really important is it make Haruhi want to answer the door," I said.

"YES!" she shouted, pumping her fist in the air. "It's finally here!"

"I hope it's not another costume," the angelic time traveler whimpered as Haruhi haggled with the delivery boy about some arbitrary issue she decided to have a problem with at that moment

Please don't do that Miss Asahina, it's killing me enough just with you in that maid outfit. I hate to admit it, but when Haruhi chose Miss Asahina to fill the "moe" slot in the Brigade line up, she chose right.

But even that doesn't excuse all the torture she's had to go through at Haruhi's hands. And it's made worse that she was to wear those demeaning outfit while it happens (though secretly I'll never say that out loud, not unless it turns into more than just groping). So far the most revealing things she's worn is the bunny girl leotard, but if Haruhi ordered something for one of those kinky lingerie websites, then so help me, I'll-

"It is not a costume," the usually silent humanoid interface said, (you know, let's just say 'alien'. It's much easier to remember), not even looking up from her book. Must be a real page turner.

"Really? What make you think that, Nagato?" I asked.

Then she actaully did look up. Her face was as emotionless as ever, but for some reason it felt like she was extruding vibes that said "Really?" or "...And you've known me _how_ long?" or something to that effect.

"Do you know what it is?" the resident epser asked.

She nodded "yes".

"Could you tell _us _what it is?" I asked, wanting to know weather or not I should strangle Haruhi right there and save some trouble.

She shook her head "no".

"Well why not?" Seriously, it'll save Miss Asahina some embarrassment and give me a chance to vent.

"My hypothesis is that if Miss Suzumya did not tell us about it before now, then it is most likely she wanted surprise us with it when it arrived."

"That does seem to be what is happening," Itsuki agreed.

Pfft, brownnoser.

Miss Asahina was still hiding behind her serving tray.

So. Damn. Cute...

Focus! Haruhi + mysterious package = be worried. Exactly how worried I should be remains yet to be seen.

Anyways, I was jolted from my thoughts by the sound of the clubroom door slamming shut. I guess Haruhi was done arguing with that poor delivery boy.

"OK, it's finaly here!" she said, dropping the package on the table with a rather loud "THUD!" Well, at least lingerie doesn't go "THUD!", so that's a lode of my mind. "Everone gather around, I have an important announcement to make!"

So everyone gathered closer to our _esteemed _(note the sarcasm) Brigade leader. Except for Nagato. Her hearing was already a million times better than a bat's so she didn't really need to get closer.

She did, however, close her book.

"OK," she began, "I know we don't really have a lot to in here-"

You're telling me.

"-So I've decided to get us all a little something to help stave off the boredom!"

You do have a point there; this isn't really the most lively the school- Wait, did Haruhi just say that she got something for us? _She_ get something for _us_? Maybe I'm running a fever...Nope, temperature checks out fine. Maybe I'm asleep and this is all some crazy drea-Ow! OK, not dreaming. And there don't seem to be any Horsemen of the Apocalypse outside, so my only question is-

"What are you up to this time?"

"Huh?" she said, a confused look spreading across her face.

Not the reaction you were hoping for, I take it?

"For one thing," I held up my pointer finger for emphasis, "you never get something unless you already have plans for it. For another," I held up another finger, "when do you ever get stuff for _us?_"

"I'm the _leader_," she said indignantly, "it's my job to look out for the well being of each and every Brigade member here." Then she crossed her arms and scowled at me, "And just for lack of faith in your Brigade leader, I'm giving you a fifty point deduction!"

Fifty points? Just for doubting her? Yeah, I'm still in this crazy outfit here...why?

Wait a sec, why do I even care about that? It's not like all those points she arbitrarily doles out and takes actually count towards anything.

Ignoring the points, I asked, "So what did you get, anyway?"

"I'm glad you asked, my dear Watson!" Watson? OK, you know it's time to start worrying when Haruhi geings to quote famous literature. Anyways, she ripped off the wrapping on the package with the enthusiasm of a four year old on Christmas morning, revealing the box of a Sony Playstation 3*.

"Holy crap!" I gasped, "How could you afford something like this? Don't they cost like, 35,000 yen* or something?"

"So what if they do?" she retorted. "The point is I got one, so no need to go asking pointless questions about it."

"I think it's a wonderful gift," Kiss-up McBrownnose said, bowing and flashing all-purpose plastic smile, "thank you very much, Miss Suzumiya."

"You're very welcome," she said, returning the bow. "1000 points for you!"

Go figure.

Felling the need to think of something else before my hate turned into rage and I ended up killing Koizumi, (I can't afford to go to prison! I ended up there once a la Haruhi, and...let's just say, NEVER AGAIN.), I looked over at Nagato's corner to see what she was doing. Why I didn't focus on Asahina I don't know. Let's just say it was temporary insanity or something. Not that I'm saying Nagato's unattractive or anything! I was just...Nevermind...

Wait a sec, did Nagato just blink? Boy, she must be really excited about this.

"Kyon, set this bad boy up so we can start pwning some uber noobs!"

Three guesses who that was.

The first two don't count.

"What? No! Do it yourself!" I protested. And as usual, my protests fell miles short.

"Are your carzy?" she piratically shouted, "I went out and got the damn thing, I'm not setting it up. And do I _really _have to remind you about the Leader/subordinate thing again?"

Finding no help at all from the other Brigade members (Nagato; indifferent. Miss Asahina; too scared to intervene. Captain Kiss-up; kissing up.) I emptied the box of it's contents and opened up the instruction manual.

After several events that I won't bore you with, I finally had the PS3 up and running on a borrowed television (To the Electronics Club, I'll give it back as soon as I can, I promise!). Needless to say the minute I plugged it in Haruhi (I know, _big _surprise) sat herself down in front of it and started playing some random RPG she must have ordered with it.

After what seemed like several hours (and many, _many _games of checker) later, Haruhi said, "Feel free to head home, you all don't need to wait for me." After _again_ checking to make sure the world was still here, I grabbed my bag and headed out the door.

When I finally got home I was greeted by my little sister shoving Shamisen (who happened to be dressed like a magically girl) in my face. After liberating him from his torture (he and Miss Asahina should join a support group or something) I ate dinner and went upstairs to do my homework. Once that was done, I got changed and headed off to Dreamland, savoring the few precious hours of REM cycle I had before would make us search the city for aliens, time travelers, and espers tomorrow.

Yeah, little did I know that we wouldn't be doing anything close to that tomorrow...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And that's the end of chapter one. Be on the lookout for chapter two. (Eventually...)_

_Anyways, as stated at the beginning of the chapter. there are a few simple conditions to follow for writing entries for the fic._

_1. Please make the story self contained. (These first two chapter are each their own world, so don't worry about trying to make your story jive with these.)_

_2. If you want the SOS Brigade to use Gamertags or whatever, please use the ones from chapter one. (But if you decide to add other characters, feel free to make them up as you go along.) _

_3. Have fun with it! (This is a humor fic after all, so do your best to make people's sides burst!)_

_See? Simple stuff. Now, stop reading this and get writing! (After you review, of course.)_

_*Real product, I claim no ownership whatsoever!_

_*It's my guesstimate on what the price of a PS3 wold be in Yen. _


	3. Go go RPG: part 2

_And here we go, folks! The next part of the "Go go RPG" saga!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When I woke up I was still pretty groggy, and for some reason it felt like someone was pounding on my head with sledgehammers. I know it sounds like I've been drinking, but trust me, it couldn't have been further from the truth. (Again, once was enough!)

In addition to the pain in my head, it also felt like I had been sleeping on rocks durring the night. I reached under my back and, lo and behold, I found actual rocks.

Worst prank ever.

As I was contemplating what to do about these emergent pranksters, (I mean, how did they even get into my house? Isn't that illegal?), I heard a voice talking next to me.

"Kyon? Are you awake yet?"

Wanna venture a guess as to who the voice belonged to?

"You'd better not be, cause if you are _so_ getting the death penalty, as well as a million point deduction, when we get back!"

That's right, Haruhi's.

I think I just found my prankster.

"Haruhi?" I mumbled. "What are you doing in my room?"

"Huh?" she said, her head tilted in confusion. "What are you talking about; this isn't your room."

"What do mean this isn't my room?" I said, bolting upright. "You don't think I'd know my own-" my words died in my throat.

All around me there were trees. And I don't just mean those dinky houseplants people get all the time, these trees were _giant_. They were so tall they probably put those American Redwoods to shame.

After gawking at the trees for a few moments, (not to mention a few slaps for Haruhi), it finally sunk in that I wasn't still in my room. Nor was I in Haruhi's room (which had been my second guess after she told me I wasn't in mine). We were both, for all intents and purposes, not in Kansas anymore.

Which brings up an interesting question...

"How did we get here in the first place?"

"How the hell should I know?" Haruhi shrugged. "All I know is that I was still playing that videogame I bought, wishing that it were real, when I nodded off. The next thing I know I wake up here with you sleeping next to me."

Well, I think I solved the problem of how we got here.

"Did we...?" She let her sentence hang, but the implications couldn't have been clearer.

"Absolutely not!" I shouted, throwing my hands up in an 'X' in front of me.

"Good, cause if you did then I'd _really _give you the Death Penalty!" You know that old saying, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'? Yeah, don't tell that to Haruhi.

Please. I don't think the world could handle it.

"Well," she sighed reluctantly, pointing heroically in some random direction, "nothing to do now but go forward!"

"Wait, we don't even know where we are right now," I protested, "much less even have a map of the area. We're only likely to get more lost then we are now."

"Oh come on! Don't be such a weanie!" she yelled, pulling me to my feet. "Where's your sense of adventure? Besides, we're bound to come across _something_ if we keep walking."

Yeah, but how do you know that something isn't going to be dangerous and possibly kill us?

...Is what I wanted to say. However, deep down I knew that any argument I have with Haruhi is ultimately futile and I would just keep getting dragged along on her crazy ideas anyways. So I held my tounge and let myself be dragged in some random direction that Haruhi arbitrarily chose just seconds ago.

After about an hour of walking through forest that looked exactly the same (I'm just glad she didn't make any winding turns) we came upon a clearing with a bunch of humongous rats in it.

And I mean _huge_, like the ones in that one 80's movie about a princess or something. Seriously, is everything in this creepy forest on steroids or something?

"Whoa!" Haruhi breathed, her eyes as wide as dinner plates. "Those rats are _huge!_"

"Yeah, I know," I agreed. "Let's walk the other way."

"Are you kinding?" Haruhi gasped incredulously. "Do you know how often in life people get a chance like this?"

I hope she's not talking about getting mauled by these rodent of such unnatural size.

"I'm _so_ getting closer!"

Yep, she was.

"Are you crazy!" I shouted. "Those things are three times as large as Shamisen, they'll rip us to pieces! And even if by some highly improbable miracle we _did _survive, rats carry deceases. How much worse do you think they'll be when the carriers are the size of rottweilers?" It's a long shot, but maybe Haruhi will actually listen to reason if she realizes her life is actually in danger.

"Oh who cares about that, let's go!"

Sigh, no, I didn't think so...

So Haruhi burst through the foliage and ran up to the rats, grabbing a fallen branch on the way. What she wanted with the branch, I don't think I want to know.

Then, when she was almost on top of the rats, something strange happened. (Well, as strange as anything else that's happened. This _is_ Haruhi we're dealing with, here.) Suddenly, everything faded to black. The sky, the trees, the rats, everything except me and Haruhi.

After a few seconds everything came back, only something was off. For one, there were only three rats now, and they were all standing in a line in front of us. That's right; they just stood there, not doing anything.

The other thing was that Haruhi and I were doing much the same thing; standing there, barely moving. And Haruhi was holding her branch like a baseball bat, as if ready for battle.

_Congratulations, you've just entered an annoying random battle, _a voice that sounded suspiciously like Nagato's said from out of nowhere.

"Nagato, is that you?" I asked.

"Yuki, you're here to? Where are you?" That was Haruhi.

_To attack your grossly underpowered cannon fodder, _Nagato's voice continued, _select the 'attack' option from your Battle Menu, then select then enemy you wish to attack._

"Battle Menu"? "Attack options"? Why the hell would Nagato be talking about- Wait a second, are we in an RPG? We are, aren't we? And not just any run-of-the-mill RPG, an RPG that _Haruhi_ thought up. That totally explains all this strangeness that's been happening.

Holy crap, this is worse than I thought!

Getting back to reality, (er, at least this augmented version of it), I wondered how the hell I was suppose to select 'Attack' from my Battle Menu? I don't even have a headset with a heads-up display, much less one that magically floats in front of me. Who do you think I am? You?

"What are you waiting for, _baka_!" Haruhi shouted next to me. "Just run over there and attack them already!"

You know what, that _actually_ makes sense.

Are you sure you haven't been smoking any-...nevermind...

Throwing caution to the wind, I ran up to one of the rats and kicked it right in the snout. It squealed, and I jumped back before it could recover enough to attack back.

"Great job Kyon," Haruhi praised, "you got one!" I looked over at the rats and saw that one of them was starting to fade out of existence.

Wow, I thought, was I really that strong? Then I remembered something that Nagato had said before; "To attack your grossly underpowered cannon fodder...". In all the RPG's I've seen (which admittedly isn't much) there's always some generic, weak enemies at the beginning to practice on. So it wasn't that I became any stronger, it's that the enemies I'm fighting are just super weak.

You know, somehow, that doesn't make me feel any better.

"Now it's my turn!" she announced, rushing at the remaining rats with her makeshift bat. When she reached one, she swung the branch like a golf club and actually flipped the rat over.

_Good job,_ I encouraged her mentally, _now finish him off before he gets back up. _

Unfortunately, after her mighty swing she ran back to her place next to me.

"Why didn't you finish it off?" I asked. "It's lying on it's back."

"Because it's lying on it's back," she answered, pointing at the immobilized rat. "It'll keep for now."

I facepalmed. Typical Haruhi; forgetting about a problem until it becomes even _more_ of a problem later.

_You have successfully completed your Party Battle Phase, _Nagato's voice said. _Now please enjoy this brief respite as your enemy completes it's turn._

Disembodied announcer voice say what?

Even through my shock I saw the rat (the one that Haruhi _didn't _knock over, remember?) run up the Haruhi and whack her with it's tail.

"OW!" she cired, rubbing the spot where the rat hit her, "that hurt, you damn rat!"

Yeah, Haruhi, I think that's the general idea.

"And you!" she turned towards me, "Don't just stand there, attack them again!"

I looked back at the rats and saw that the rat that had just attacked Haruhi was helping flip the other one over.

Guess she didn't hit it as hard as she thought.

"STOP STANDING THERE AND ATTACK THEM ALREADY!" she screamed.

"Alright, alright, I'm going now! You happy?"

I charged the rats again and kicked one in the snout. As I hurried back to my place beside Haruhi I saw the rat I just kicked begin to disappear. Then Nagato's voice came back in.

_There is only one enemy left._ (Thanks for pointing out the obvious!) _Now would be a good time to talk about "Action Points". _

Great, another tutorial message...

_Action Points allow you to take verious actions in battle, often more powerful than your standard attacks. You only have a limited amount, so they will constantly need to be replenished._

OK, and you're telling us this...why?

_To use these actions, select "Special" from your Battle menu, then choose the action you wish to take. Make sure you have enough AP to use the chosen Action beforehand._

"I don't know what the hell Yuki just said," Haruhi said, "but I'm gonna finish this!" Then Haruhi climbed onto a nearby boulder and leaped into the air, shouting, "Suzumiya Shockwave!", bringing the branch down on last rat's head. When the dust cleared, the rat was gone.

"Did we win?" the Brgade leader asked.

And, as if in answer to her question, the victory fanfare started playing.

As the fanfare played, Haruhi started twirling her branch around like a baton before striking a pose and shouting "Victory!", holding he hand up in the victory sign.

I just facepalmed. I mean, really, Haruhi? Do you have any idea how cheesy that was? No, of course you don't, just look at the movie you forced us to make.

_Congratulations on your first victory, _Nagato's voice intoned. _For surviving this far, your reward is as follows: _

_Kyon-12exp. _

_Haruhi-11exp. _

_5 Coins. _

_1 Healing Draught. _

_1 Magic Fire Ring._

Oh great, experience points. As if I didn't get enough of those with Haruhi already.

"HEY!" Haruhi shouted suddenly. "He got more Experience than me!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there's chapter two. But seriously, doesn't Nagato's voice totally seem like the kind that would read that annoying tutorial text? Don't worry, I plan on having her physically apear later in the "game", so any Nagato fans out there, stay tuned! _

_Anyways, feel free to submit anything you want as long as it has to do with Haruhi Suzumiya and videogames. And have fun writing it, too!_

_Preview; Kyon and Haruhi learn about healing potions, and then hit the shops!_


	4. All your base

_OK, Finally, someone sent me something! (Thanks a ton, superstartultra!) Hope you people enjoy it! _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

**All your base.**

The interstellar spacecraft known as the SOS (Ship Of Suzumiya) gracefully cut through the blackness of space like a hot knife through butter. As guardians of the universe, they were on patrol, keeping watch for anything suspicious. Always ready for adventure and ever vigilant, the crew of the SOS were always ready to uphold the law of space. Never did they back down from a challenge or accept defeat. And never once, did any of them forget their mission in life.

To always aid the galaxy in times of need and whenever the dark forces of evil reared its ugly head.

Inside the main bridge, Haruhi Suzumiya was going over the team's latest mission report.

Nodding in approval at the statistics, she gave her second-in-command, Kyon, a winning smile and thumbs up. He nodded nonchalantly and went back to checking the stats of the plasma-reactors. The other two inhabitants of the bridge were Mikuru Asahina and Itsuki Koizumi. The curvaceous and big-hearted red-head of a girl was doing scans of the ship's armor, and the charismatic adviser to Haruhi was calibrating the radar screen for an upgrade to detect space-debris easier. Haruhi smiled to herself and dusted off a space layer of imaginary dust on the crimson uniform she was wearing, complimented by her navy-blue skirt. All in all, a very productive patrol so far.

Or so it seemed!

Disaster struck like a dodge-ball at recess- unpredictably and painfully. For you see, a large explosion rocked the ship, nearly sending the crew flying from their seats.

"What happen?" Haruhi asked, her voice oozing with alarm.

Mikuru pointed at a large television-screen, the Holo-Screen, covered with static that had

suddenly come down from the ceiling. "Someone set up us the bomb," Mikuru said quietly, fear evident in her robotic voice.

"We get signal!" Itsuki announced with gusto, even though he sounded entirely unenthusiastic.

"What!" Haruhi grit her teeth together. This could only be the work of one person... "Main screen turn on," she ordered to Kyon.

Nodding, Kyon turned a big, yellow, cartoonish dial on the keyboard nearby. The Holo-Screen flickered and emitted a buzzing noise. The picture settled, revealing a pair of dark blue eyes first.

Haruhi couldn't believe her own golden eyes. "It's you!"

"How are you, gentlemen!" asked the being known as Ryoko Asakura, dressed in an outfit similar to Haruhi's, but with a huge blue captain's hat on her head, and some sort of cape.

Revered as the most cold-hearted and attractive space-pirate ever, Ryoko was both feared and respected by criminals and politicians alike. Even her eyebrows dripped grace and menace. Seated in her all-blue-themed bridge were her two top lieutenants: Emiri Kimidori and Tsuruya. Emiri was wearing a lime-green uniform and smiling sleepily, while Tsuruya was decked out in a platinum outfit and skirt, and generally just laughing her head off.

Truly these were the faces of pure evil.

"All your base are belong to us," Ryoko cackled, her smile turning into a fiendish grin. "You are on the way to destruction." The effect of this sentence was ruined when Tsuruya energetically waved at Haruhi's crew, but no one said anything.

"What you say!" Haruhi gasped. How could Ryoko have easily have taken over the universe and her home-world so quickly? And without them even knowing it!

"You have no chance to survive make your time," Ryoko said sultrily, her right hand supporting her chin as she lazily smiled at them from the comfort of her own heavily armed warship. "Ha ha ha." For some odd reason, Ryoko's mouth continued to move even after her bout of dull laughter ended. Then the Holo-screen went out with a flicker.

"Captain!" Itsuki cried out in unadulterated dismay, pointing at the radar screen he was observing. Peering over, Haruhi held back a curse as she saw the many green dots approaching their own white space on the sickly blue screen. Obviously, Ryoko had sent forth a squadron of Yukis to attack them. It wouldn't be long before they were all over the ship, ready to assimilate the crew of the SOS into their unending ranks.

Haruhi slammed down her fist on the arm of her fancy seat and stood, fist raised high into the air as she proclaimed, "I will take off every Zig. For great justice!" Then she put her hands on her hips and uttered a long laugh of triumph that also sounded a bit metallic.

In the seat to the very far left of Haruhi's chair, Kyon groaned and held his face in both hands.

Leave it to Haruhi to recreate the world in the image of the very last piece of media she had been watching, playing, or reading. It was bad enough that Ryoko had been brought back to serve as an antagonist for such a corny setting. If this continued, he was going to have to steal everything Haruhi owned, burn it, and give her a tin can filled with colorful buttons to play with.

_She could have at LEAST played something with proper grammar... _Kyon thought to himself in complete misery.

And throughout all this insanity, Taniguchi was dancing in the background of the ship to a VERY catchy techno remix.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

**Hope this was funny enough for you, Layman. Thanks for letting me help. :) **

_Oh, you're very welcome, sir! I'm glad you believed in me enough to take my request seriously. _

_Anyhow, even if no one else feels the need to add anything to this fic, I'll continuously bring you new content so you won't get bored! Such as this next chapter of "GO GO RPG"..._


	5. Go go RPG: part 3

_And while we wait, here's another chapter of "Go go RPG", by yours truly!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Man, that rat really did a number on me, huh?" Haruhi said as she rubbed her shoulder where the rats we just fought whipped her. "Don't we have anything to heal me or something?" she asked. (For "asked", read "demanded".)

At this point I'd given up trying to rationalize everything that happened here and just answered "Well, we do have this potion we won from the rats," producing the bottle out of thin air. (Don't asked me how it happened, I'll probably loose the rest of the meager shreds of sanity I have left trying to figure it out myself.) "It doesn't seem to have any instructions, though..."

"Oh just give me the damn bottle," Haruhi said as she grabbed the bottle out of my hands and popped the cork. She then proceeded to down the entire thing in one gulp.

"Whoo!" she cried after she swallowed the last drop, "What a rush! Oh, I have _so_ got to get more of these things; they're totally better than Red Bull!"

Haruhi on Red Bull? Lord, give me strength...I don't think the world can handle Haruhi _now_.

"Hey, my shoulder doesn't hurt anymore!" She rolled up the sleeve of her shirt to relieve her shoulder, without so much as a bruise on it. "OK, now let's do yours, Kyon!"

Was she serious?

"You just drank our only Healing Potion," I scolded her, "there's nothing left to heal my wounds with!"

"So?" Haruhi said. OK, does she not see the problem here? "We'll just get more in the next town."

Now that I think about it, that actually makes sense. In all the RPG's I've seen there's usually a bunch of towns that have merchants that sell stuff like swords, armor, and potions.

Only problem was, we only had five Coins to our name, and and even the smallest potions cost at least ten of whatever the currency is.

"OK," I agreed, "but what are we going to pay for them with? It's not like we have a lot of money after all the _one_ battles we fought."

"Well," she said, not detered in the slightest, "then we'll just have fight some more until we do!"

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

So Haruhi dragged me around, looking for other big rats. After about a dozen more battles (Oh, and before I forget; If anyone from PETA happens to being reading this, go after Haruhi. Please. I was coerced into the whole thing!) she was finaly satisfied that we had enough money to buy stuff in town with.

Now all we had to do was find a town.

"Let's try this way!" Haruhi said, picking _another_ arbitrary direction to trek in.

"Do you even know where you're going?" I asked, getting fed with all the aimless traveling. "We've been walking for hours and we haven't even come across a road sign yet!"

"Oh please," she scoffed, "they're not gonna have road signs out in the middle of nowhere! It wouldn't make any sense."

Because everything else that's happened _has_ made sense.

"Besides, "she continued, "I have a very intuitive sense of direction; I'll get us there in no time!"

Yeah, you and Sagara Sanosuke both.

"Trust me, we'll be there in no time!"

You know, Haruhi, you really should stop making promises you _know _you aren't going to be able to keep. It's just bad business.

Eventually, (after _more _walking), we came across another rat. This one wasn't like the others, however. No, this one was about as big as a mountain lion, and probably just about as dangerous.

"Kyon?" Haruhi siad, unnaturally calm.

"Yes, Haruhi?"

"That rat is twice as big as the others, right?"

"More like three times."

"You know what this means, don't you?"

Actually, I'm proud to say I don't. Although knowing Haruhi, she'd probably say-

"MORE LOOT!"

-something likely to involve us (or more specifically _me_) getting hurt or killed.

And just like that, we were in another battle.

_You have encountered you first mini-boss,_ Nagato's voice said.

I was wondering where she got to.

_You have probably already figured this out your own, but this enemy is much tougher than the previous ones you've faced. _

You're right, we did already figure it out (or at least I did). Why are you telling us again?

_You might want you use you Special Attacks to weaken it first._

Really? Wow, that actually helps us.

"Come on Kyon, let's finish this up quick so we can start buying stuff!"

I admire your enthusiasm, Haruhi, but in case you hadn't noticed, that rat looks like it could take out a wolf. Personally, I have things in life that I still want to do.

"I'll go first!" Haruhi said, charging the king rat (seems better than just calling it "The Really, Really Big Rat".

"Take this, Ratso!" she shouted, clubbing him upside the head with her branch. The king rat snarled as it was hit, and apparently Haruhi was smart enough to back away out of it's reach.

"I think it's stunned, hurry up and kick it or something!" she told me in that cute, dictatorial way she does.

Seeing no other choice, I ran up and gave the king rat the best kick I could (which wasn't really all that great, considering I have had any formal martial arts training) before I hightailed it away before it could recover and attack me.

"You call that a kick? That was pitiful! My grandmother could do better, and she's 90 and in senior's home!"

"Well what do you expect?" I shot back. "It's not like I've ever taken any classes or anything, so cut me some slack!"

"That's no excuse! I demand a certain level of quality for all of my Brigade members, and if you can't meet that quality then you can just kiss your slim chances of ever getting promoted 'goodbuy'!"

Like I really care about getting promoted? Sure, I'd like to have Itsuki actually pulling his own weight once in a while, but really, how many positions are there in the SOS Brigade to fill?

Wait a minute, why isn't the king rat attacking us? We both attacked him, so, (at least according Nagato's explanation), he should be attacking us, right? Why would-

Wait a sec, Haruhi's normal attack stuns people (er, rats), right? And she gave this guy (er, rat) a pretty good whack, so he much still be dazed. If that's true, he probably won't stay like that for long...

Not wanting to waste a second I charged, ignoring Haruhi's shouts of "Get back here you idiot! It's my turn!" and kneeing the king rat right in it's chin. It squealed as I hit it, and it looked like my kick snapped it back into focus, so I quickly retreated back to Haruhi.

"Stop upstaging me!" she yelled once I returned. "You're not suppose to take a turn before I do! I'm the Brigade leader dammit, I'm going to stand for some lowly errand boy upstaging at every- Kyon! Look out!"

Surprised by her sudden change in attitude, I turned around and looked in the direction she was now pointing, only to see the king rat barrel into me and knock me to the ground. I tried to swat it away, but it just snarled and bit the arm I swatted with.

"Aaaargh!" I cried as the king rat's incisors sunk into my arm. God, that really _hurts!_ I just hope I don't end up with a disease or something when this is all through.

Then by some miracle, the king rat spat out my arm and retreated back to where it was previously standing.

"Kyon!" Haruhi said, kneeling down next to me. "Kyon, are you alright?"

I just got chomped on by a rat the size of a small bear, how do you think I'm doing?

...Is what I wanted to say. What I actually ended up say is, "I guess so; at least he didn't get my throat, right?"

Once Haruhi saw I was OK, she stood back up and faced then rat with a fiery determination in her eyes.

"OK rat," she said, "Listen up; nobody, and I mean _nobody_, hurts one of my Brogade members and lives to tell about it!"

Wow Haruhi, that was actually pretty sweet-

"Even if he is just a lowly errand boy."

Boy, you sure know how to ruin the moment.

"Besides, that's _my_ job!"

And how to kick me when I'm down.

Finished with her [ultimately] demeaning speech, she charged the rat, crying "Suzumiya Shockwave!" and swinging her branch right down on the king rat's head. The rat dodge, but still ended up getting clipped by the attack.

"Hah!" Haruhi taunted. "How do you like me now?"

Apparently, the rat _didn't_ like her very much, (not that I blame him), because not two seconds later he swung his tail right at her. Fortunately, she was able to dodge.

"Ha ha! You missed me you big ugly-OW!" Oh, Haruhi, when will you ever learn? "Sonnuva...the same place as before? _Really?_"

(For those of you who care, I'm lying on the ground with a busted arm over here, facepalming through the whole thing. )

"OK, no more Misses Nice Girl!"

You have a 'nice' mode?

Regardless, she ran up to the king rat again and whacked him over the head. This time, he slumped to the ground and didn't get up. He lay there for a few seconds before finally fading out of existence.

"Yes, victory!" Haruhi announced as she twirled her branch and made the "victory" pose, despite the wound on her arm.

I continued to facepalm.

_Victory rewards, _Nagato's voice rang out.

_Kyon-35exp._

_Haruhi-32exp._

_16 Coins._

_1 Enchanted Map._

_2 Healing Draught._

_3 Giant Rat's Claw._

"Dammit, why do you still keep getting more Experience than me?" Haruhi demanded, slapping me in the chest. Then she winced in pain, realizing that the arm she was using to poke me was the one the rat re-injured.

Serves you right. I don't care if I get struck down or whatever for saying this, but serves you right.

"Hang on a second," she said, uncorking one of our newly acquired healing potions and, once again, downing it all in one gulp.

"Whoo! That's the stuff! Now where was I? Oh yeah...," and she proceeded to continue poking me and ranting about how "she's the leader" and "she should be getting more Experience than me because I'm just a lowly peon" and like things.

Eventually, see ended up poking me right in my arm injury.

"OW!" I hissed, biting my tongue (metaphorically of course) just in case there were any more rat packs around the area. "Any chance of me getting that other healing potion?"

"No," Haruhi said definitively-

Wait, "no"? What do you mean "no"? I think I'm still bleeding over here!

"It's probably better if we conserve what we have until we can get more stuff at the next town," she continued.

Oh, I swear, I'm going to kill her.

"That's exactly what I said before!" I shouted at her. "Besides, what about you popping one every time you get a scratch? I'm bleeding, shouldn't that get priority?"

"The Brigade Leader _always_ gets priority," she said, emphasizing "always".

Yeah, _that_ makes perfect sense.

"There won't _be_ any more Brigade to lead if let all the members _die_," I told her pointedly.

"Hmm," she murmured, stroking her chin thoughtfully.

Really? You're actually trying to think this over? _Really?_

To anyone on the other side of the television set this game is being played on, pick up your controller and have Haruhi make a decision.

Please?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_OK, healing potions? Check. Buying stuff? Next chapter. _

_I hope you're enjoying this tale so far. I'm trying to put as many RPG cliches as possible in while at the same time trying to make them sound natural instead of like prescripted actions. _

_Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your reviews. _


	6. A Mystery Explained

_And here's another story completely unrelated to the other two I have up already. Well, not completely unrelated. This one deals with something one of my reviewers pointed out to me. (You know who you are.) Hope this clears some things up for you!_

_Hopefully I won't screw this one up too much... (Oh, and don't pay any attention to the fact that the beginning of this chapter is almost a carbon copy of the beginning of "Go Go RPG!")_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Today was just like any other day, and by that I mean that incredibly weird things happened, with the cause of said weird things, (a one Suzumiya Haruhi), being blissfully unaware of their happening.

Well, I shouldn't _just _say unaware, she was also: annoyed, angry, disappointed, depressed, and frustrated that she couldn't find any aliens, time-travelers, or espers like she wanted to.

Little did she know that those three things were right under her nose.

But this tale isn't about that; I found out that aliens, time-travelers, and espers existed months ago (Nagato Yuki, Asahina Mikuru-san, and Koizumi Itsuki respectively). No, this story is about something even stranger than that, and that's saying something when you're part of Haruhi's crazy SOS Brigade.

Let me explain...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

As usual, we were all doing our normal club routine (I'm sure you're all familiar with it by now), quite bored out of our skulls. Well, I don't actually know if the others are as bored as I am; Asahina-san looked too worried to bother being bored right now (and it's killing me how cute that makes her look), Nagato is reading in her corner (I wonder if she ever rereads anything, or if she always get's new material?), and Koizumi was playing Othello with yours truly (although to be honest, I'm kind of getting tired of that game).

And the Ultra Director of this whole fiasco (you'll see why soon), SOS Brigade Leader Suzumiya Haruhi, was typing away at her computer, looking at God know what. Though knowing her, I'll probably be safer not knowing.

But knowing _her_, I know that I'll never get that satisfaction.

"Now why can't people ever do that in real life?" Haruhi asked to no one imparticular, completely out of the blue. "Life would be so much more interesting!"

"What are you talking about, Suzumiya-san?" Koizumi asked, his smile never wavering.

"Stuff like this," Haruhi said, turning the monitor towards the rest of us. On it was a video playing of a man decked out in stealth gear making his way through some building, either sneaking past the goons there or killing them with incredibly elaborate stealth kills.

"It looks dangerous," Asahina-san fretted.

"What is this?" I asked. "Some kind of movie?"

"No, of course not!" Haruhi barked. "It's footage from some American game called 'Spurinta Seru'. It's this super cool spy game with all these really cool gadgets that you use to sneak around and break into rooms and stuff."

"Fascinating," Nagato intoned. Personally though, I think she was only half listening, as she still hadn't looked up from her book.

"It seems like it would be a rather entertaining game to play," the perpetually smiling esper commented. "Are you planning on purchasing a copy?" Haruhi shook her head and grinned maniacally.

Oh no, I've seen that look before. The first time was when she looked at me and Koizumi after reading some yaoi doujin, another was when she thought she actually saw a real Pickachu. (She actually did, but we covered it up as a dog in a yellow sweater.)

"Oh, we'll be 'playing' it alright..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So, tell me again why _I'm_ the one wearing this ridiculous outfit, (which weighs a ton, I might add!), crawling through the air ducts, and breaking into the vault?" I complained. You can guess what I'm doing right now. "Do they even do that in the game?"

"It doesn't matter!" Haruhi yelled over the radio. OK, ow! That's right in my ear! "What's important is that you penetrate the vault and retrieve the package before it's too late."

"Yeah, you've never been exactly clear on what 'the package' is."

"Oh just grab something when you get there. All that really matters is that we have something that proves we were there."

You're just winging it, aren't you? What am I saying, you _always_ wing it.

"Continue 13.5862 meters straight ahead, then turn 90 degrees left and proceed 32.9446 meters forward," Nagato said, feeding me ridiculously precise directions. "There will be a grate there that leads directly into the vault."

"And pick up the pace!" Haruhi barked, "Mikuru can't distract the guards forever!"

Empowered with the sudden knowledge that Asahina-san wouldn't have to wear that demeaning bunny girl outfit much longer, (since I made Haruhi promise that she only had to wear it for as long as this "mission" lasted), I picked up my pace, reaching the turn in no time and heading down it as fast as I dared.

"Whatever, I'm almost at the grate," I grumbled, crawling closer to the grate in question.

"Just be careful when you arrive," Koizumi explained.

I could almost _hear_ his grin through the speaker.

"Nagato said that the grate isn't very sturdy, so don't lean on it or you could-"

I didn't hear the end of his sentence, because at that moment a passed over the grate to the vault. Needless to say it collapsed as I did and I soon ended up on the floor, on my back.

"-fall through."

OK, I'm going to kill him.

"Freeze, nyoro~!" came Tsuruya's voice from above me.

"Trusuya? What are you doing here?"

"This is my family's vault, silly. And it's suppose to be megas hard to break into." She looked at me quizzically, "How dids you get in here, anyways?"

"It's a long story," I sighed, "but let's just say it involves Haruhi and an America spy game."

"OK," she nodded, "that explains the 'why', but I asked about the 'how', nyoro~."

"Oh, I got in using the air ducts." I point up to the duct I just fell from.

"Darn it!" Tsuruya said, doing the most epic wall-to-head smack I've ever seen, "I _knew_ we should have went with smaller duct when they were building this place. I just never thought anyone else would ever try to steal my designer smoked cheese!"

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...I'm not even going to ask.

"Well, time to cart you offs to jail."

Wait, WHAT?

"Sorry Kyon, but my family has very strict rules about attepted thievery, so it's off to prison for you, nyoro~!"

"But I didn't even take anything!" I protested. I mean, why would I even want to take your smoked cheese anyway?

"Doesn't matter. Besides, we coulds still bring you up on breaking and entering charges even if you did take anything. So could you just get in the van without struggling? I _really _don'ts want to knock out one of Haru-nyan's friends."

And the rest you can pretty much guess own your own. Actually, I haven't really had that bad a time here. I don't get why people make such a big deal about all the bad stuff that happens in prison; I get fed regularly, Koizumi just called and said his Organization would take care of my bail, and best of all, NONE OF HARUHI'S CRAZY SCHEMES!

The only problem I have is with my bunkmate; this _freaking huge _guy with ridiculously spiked hair, scars, and an eye patch.

"Hey," he growled, "I'm bored, fight me."

Gulp. On second thought, maybe Haruhi's not so bad...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Now remember kids, playing videogames will inevitably lead to juvenile delinquency and is the leading cause of everything that's wrong in the world today. _

_*This message payed for by Jack Thompson.*_

_Layman-san; Actually, more than what I wrote happened to Kyon while he was in prison, but the censors won't let me tell you what. Let's just say it involves monkeys, a spork, Achakura, cucumber salad, and a herring. _

_Give me reviews, or give me death!_


	7. Would you kindly?

_OK, you know how Haruhi tells (*coughorderscough*) Kyon to pretty much lick her path clean, and he kind of ends up doing it anyways, regardless of whatever argument he makes?_

_Well, I think I figured out why..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Kyon is just your normal, average, everyday first-year highschool student, with all the hopes, dreams, and worries that came with it.

That, plus a little extra. Especially in the "worry" department.

Most of that worry came in the form of a fellow class mate, Haruhi Suzumiya. To put it simply, Haruhi was had the power to bend reality to her will.

Only she did know it!

Long story short, Haruhi started a club she called the SOS Brigade, which had five members; Haruhi(god), Kyon, Yuki Nagato(alien), Mikuru Asahina(time-traveler), and Itsuki Koizumi(esper).

Not that that's out of the way...

One of the bigger worries Kyon had (on a regular basis) was Haruhi's constant stream of random, esoteric "requests" that came from her mouth. All directed at Kyon.

"Kyon, I know you got here before me, but would you kindly pay for the whole meal since I don't feel like it?"

"Kyon, go get some food from the cafeteria, would you kindly? I'm _starving!_"

"Kyon, I forgot my bag in the classroom. Would you kindly go get it for me before I give you the death penalty?"

"Kyon, would you kindly _get out _so Mikuru and I can change? NOW!"

See what I mean?

Anyways, he always went along with her crazy suggestions, because if he didn't, he could very well bring the world to an end with the tantrum that would most likely ensue.

At least, that's what he always thought.

Today, he has a revelation that his "free will" _wasn't_ as free as he thought it was. In...

_The Twilight Zone_

_..._

_..._

_..._

No, I'm kidding, this isn't a "Twilight Zone" parody.

It's something else entirely...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Koizumi; *simles* So you say that you think Miss Suzumiya has somehow remade the universe so that you will always do whatever she say without question, no matter how good your arguments are?

Kyon; *nods* Yeah. I figured you'd know if anything like that happened, what with your esper powers or whatnot.

Koizumi; *keeps smiling* You're right, I can sense when she uses her powers to an extent, and especially so if she decided to remake the universe. However, you will be pleased to know that she has not attempted anything of that magnitude since that time shortly after we all met.

Kyon; *disappointed* Then why am I acting like this?

Koizumi; *still smiling* I have a theory about that. To help with this experiment, I'll need one of Nagato's science fiction books. Get me one.

Kyon; *indignant* No, get it yourself!

Koizumi; *smiling on* My apologies, it was a bit rude, was't it? _Would you kindly _get me one of Nagato's books? *Kyon gets book* Ah, it's just as I thought.

Kyon; *confused* Now why did I just do that?

Koizumi; *Mr. Smiles* You see Kyon, a while ago, Miss Suzumiya was searching the Internet like she usually does. One on the sites she found was about a utopia under the sea that mysteriously disappeared in the 1950's called "Rapture". Haruhi didn't look into it further, (she thought it was a fake,) but Nagato did some checking of her own. Apparently, it was scientific bastion that believed in progress at the expense of all morals.

Kyon; *suspicious* Is this going somewhere?

Koizumi; *smiler of the year* Be patient, I'm getting to that. Anyways, they experimented a lot with genetic manipulation, particularly on children.

Kyon; *shocked* That's horrible!

Koizumi; *smiling bastard* Yes, it was. However, the point I was getting at was that they were able to condition people to respond to certain phrases in a certain way. For example, you are conditioned in a way where whenever you hear the phrase _"Would you kindly?"_, you obey any order given to you without question. Sure, you can protest, but your body is unable to do anything but.

Kyon; *looses heart* So I _really_ _am _Haruhi's slave...

Koizumi; *smiles some more* I suppose that's as good a qualification as any.

Haruhi; *bursts into room with Mikuru* Kyon! Hold Mikuru down for me: I've got some new ideas for matching costumes that I'd like to try out. *grins evily*

Mikuru; *whimpers pathetically*

Kyon; *adamently* NO!

Haruhi; *dangerously, through gritted teeth* _Would you kindly...Hold. Mikuru. DOWN._

Kyon; *holds Mikuru down* I'm _very _sorry, Miss Asahina, but it's in my genetics.

Haruhi; *with glee* Now strip her, Kyon! Strip like the wind!

_"Would you kindly?"_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, there you have it; the REAL reason Kyon can't say no to Haruhi's demands. And don't forget to give me new ideas for chapters. It's how we writers thrive._

_Now, I know this might be a bit apropos, but I've just got to say it._

_Review, would you kindly?_


	8. 1800ASKSOS3

_OK, here's a little something that's been kicking around in my head. This one will be written in script form. It pretty much just features Kyon and Haruhi._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Kyon; "Haruhi!"

Haruhi; "What?"

Kyon; "Would you mind explaining what this is?" *holds up Lara Croft outfit*

Haruhi; "It's a new costume I got for the Brigade. Why?"

Kyon; "Don't you think you've put Asahina-san through enough humiliation already?"

Harui; *glint in eye* "Oh, it's not for Mikuru..."

Kyon; *confused*

*Legend of Zelda Overworld Theme plays*

Haruhi; *answers phone* "Hello? Oh, it's you... *shoos Kyon away* "OK, what is it _this_ time?...Yeah...Yeah...No..._No,_ of course not!...Look, I know she's the princess, but you've got to stop acting like that _actually_ makes a difference in your relationship...Who _cares _if she's possessed by Ganondorf right now, just give her a few good whacks and he'll pop right out!...What do you mean you can't reach-...*sighs*...OK, what _is _she doing right now?...Well just hit it back! It should work just as well...YES I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!... So then why did you even call if you're not going to listen to me?...Whatever, did you do that yet?...See! I told you it would work...Now he's this giant boar thing you say?...Well what do you want _me _yo do about it!...I don't know, figure it out yourself!" *angrily hangs up phone*

Kyon; "Who was that?"

Haruhi; "Just some telemarketer..." *glint returns* "Now, let's see how you look in hot pants!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Legend of Zelda; Twilight Princess. *sighs* That was a good game... Oh well, too bad about Kyon..._

_So, can I has a reviews?_


	9. Go go RPG: part 4

_OK, let's see here...In this chapter, Kyon and Haruhi visit the ingame merchant, and a new character is introduced. Who is it? Well, think about shopkeepers in RPGs..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

After pondering our current dilemma, (_Really? _It's a no-brainer, just give me the dang Potion!), Haruhi decided to push towards the nearest town and buy more items and such. Fortunately, the nearest one was only about twenty minutes away.

_Un_fortunately, I was still walking that whole way with only one functioning arm.

Lucky me.

"Hurry up already!" Haruhi exasperated, "We've been walking for forty minutes because of your stupid injury."

Oh, like I asked to get my arm_ chomped on by a giant rat!_ But that doesn't mean anything to you, does it? Not so long as you get your instant gratification. But I digress...

To recap, Haruhi got a PS3 for the Brigade clubroom, (I still don't think she got it through legitimate means). She then wasted the rest of the evening playing some game she got for it (through the same means, no doubt) until she fell asleep. When she woke up, she was in some generic RPG.

And yours truely got dragged along with her.

So far, we'd endured the obligatory tutorial messages (narrated by Nagato, apparently), learned the battle mechanics of this convoluted reality, and got the snot kicked out of us by a rat the size of a small bear. Well, I did. Haruhi always drank our Health Potions, so she was always right as rain.

Sure Haruhi, ignore the fact I might get a disease from the rat bite I got. I don't mind.

"Kyon, stop daydreaming! The town's just over this hill, and I want to get there before sundown!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" I shouted, trying to tap into whatever reserves of strength I had to make it over the hill in front of me. Fortunately, the hill wasn't as steep as it first looked and I was able to make it to the top.

The town in front of us was typical of most RPGs; small, mostly houses, and, (despite the number of residences), sparsely populated. I could see a few people walking around, but for some reason they all looked exactly the same as each other.

Of course they would, they're only here to show that the town we're entering isn't deserted.

"Let's go!" Haruhi declared, taking off down the hill as fast as she could.

"Wait for me!" I yelled after her.

You could have at least told me where you planned to go once you got to the bottom so I could find you. This injury isn't really doing wonders for my health, you know.

When I got to the bottom, I was surprised to find Haruhi waiting for me there.

"Took you long enough," she said, arms crossed and tapping her foot impatiently.

I wanted to tell her that trying to care for an injured limb (that's still bleeding, mind you) doesn't really allow for the careless immediacy that she's been accustomed to, but I knew that it would a futile argument because Haruhi's mind can be swayed about as much as a rock. So, I just settled on glaring at her.

My glare was lost on her, as she was already headed into town. Fortunaly, she wasn't going any faster than a brisk walk, so I was able to catch up with her more easily.

Inside the town was pretty much your standard RPG fare; wide roads between lots of houses that held no real importance all leading to the middle of town, where all the merchants were situated.

"Oooh, weapons!" Haruhi exclaimed gleefully, her eyes wide and sparkly like in cartoons.

"Oh no you don't," I said, gabbing the back of her shirt before she could run off. "Remember, my arm? We're going somewhere to get it fixed before we do anything else." I held up my arm in emphasis.

"Fine," she grumbled, "but we're going to that weapons store next."

Wow, I can't believe that actually worked. I thought I was going to have to fight to get my way for sure.

The store we (Haruhi) decided to go in was actually rather small. It had enough room for us to walk around in and some display cases that showed off particular products, but a great majority of the merchandise was in the back of the store, behind a counter that devided the room in two.

"Hey!" Haruhi shouted, "Is anyone here? We want to buy stuff!"

"Be out in a minute!" someone shouted from the back of the store. About a minute later a door opened and someone rushed out of it. The light was dim back there, but I could swear the person looked like Tsuruya.

"Hiya," Tsuruya said (Yep, it's her. No one else I know has a fang like that.) as she reached the frount counter, "welcome to Tsuruya's Megas Merchandise! What'll be your pleasures, nyoro~?"

"We'll have some-"

"One healing potion," I said, interrupting Haruhi before she could go off on a tangent of things we don't really need but she thought looked "shiny" at the time, "Fast." I held up my poor, injured arm in emphasis.

"I gotcha," Tsuruya said, nodding in understanding. "One Potion, coming right up!' She rummaged around a few boxes before heading back with a familiar looking bottle in her hands. "That'll be ten Coins, nyoro~."

"Here," I slapped some Coins down on the counter (Again, don't ask me where they came from), then grabbed the Potion and downed it as fast as I could.

Whoo! Haruhi was right; there _is_ rush as it goes down. I can see why she hogs them all to herself. Of course, _I _don't run completely off of Speed, so there's really no reason to...OK, strike that, I should probably keep a small stash in case Haruhi decides to get stingy again.

You would too, wouldn't you?

"That stuff works megassa wonders, doesn't it?" Tsuruya asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked down at my arm and, low and behold, it was fine! I moved it around experimentally, it didn't even hurt one bit!

"Ahhhh!" I sighed contently.

"Give us five more," Haruhi said, adding more Coins to the pile. Geez, that looks like the rest of what we earned!

"Sure things," Tsuruya said, turning towards the back of the store again. "Hey, Mikuru, bring up five more potions! And make it snappy, nyoro~!"

Wait, Miss Asahina's here too?

"C-coming!" I heard Miss Asahina's cute, sweet, heavenly, angelic, cancer curing...OK, I'm gonna stop now, Haruhi's glaring at me.

Sorry about that, I must still be high off that potion or something. Now where was?...Oh, right. A few seconds later Mikuru Asahina hurried up to the counter with a bunch of Potions in her arms.

"Here are your Potions," she said, bowing once she deposited said Potions onto the counter, "have a nice day~."

I think my day just got a little better.

"Mikuru?" Haruhi gasped, "What are you doing here?"

"Um..." she began, before Haruhi interrupted her.

"Doesn't matter, now give me some armor." That's Haruhi for you, never worries about information that doesn't jive with her immediate priorities. Let's give her a hand, folks! "Something with sleeves."

"How abouts this one?" Tsuruya asked, holding up a number that managed to look like both metal and fabric at the same time. "The color reallys brings out your eyes~!"

"Ohhh!" Seriously, how do you get your eyes to go so wide and sparkle like they do? Is that even physically possible? "I'll take it!"

"Great!" Tsuruya beamed, holding out her hand, "That'll be 2000 Coins, please, nyoro~!"

2000! You got to be kidding me! We're still so early in the 'game', armor shouldn't cost that much!

"Eh," Haruhi shrugged, completely changing her attitude without even batting an eyelash, "the neckline doesn't suit my figure, you got anything else?"

"Sure, how about this one?" Now Tsuruya held up one with silver and gold trimmings. And the neckline was indeed different.

"Now _that's _more like it!" Haruhi said approvingly, taking the armor shirt to get a better look at it. As she did mt eyes fell upon the price...tag...

Holy crap! It's over 9000! What is it with these outrageous prices?

"Yep, this is _definitely_ the one for me!" Uh, not with that price it's not.

"Haruhi, look," I said, directing her eyes to the afore mentioned price tag.

Her eyes looked like overstuffed rice balls.

"Holy crap!" she exclaimed. "It's over 9000!" Thank you, I'm glad you're finally seeing the- "I mean, the '2000' one I could understand, but 9000 is just too much, even for this!"

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

"Is there a problem?" Tsuruya asked, trying (and failing) not to look guilty.

"Why the hell is the armor so damn expensive?" I exploded, unable to contain my shock any longer.

"Yeah!" Haruhi agreed (surprisingly), "You think we're made of money or something? We barely have any as it is!"

Yeah, most of which was spent by on all those Potions.

"Alrights, you caught me, nyoro~," Tsuruya said. "A couple days ago someone stole most of the armor we have in stock, so I raised the prices on the remaining stock so we coulds at least break even."

"That's terrible," Haruhi said, patting Tsuruya's shoulder tenderly, "is there any way we could help?"

Awe, that's sweet, Haruhi. Maybe there's hope for you yet.

"With due compensation, of course."

...then again...

"We need to megas find the thief and gets the armor back," Tsuruya stated, "otherwise I won't be able to make this next fiscal quarter and keep the business from going under."

"We'll do whatever we can to help you and your business," Haruhi declared, striking a heroic pose in the middle of the store. Yeah, you know we're the only ones who could see you, right?

Wait a sec, did we just accept a side quest? We don't even know what the main quest is!

"So where should we start searching for this thief?" I asked, eager to get this over with.

"Oh, not 'we', you guys," Tsuruya explained. "I still have a store to run."

Figures we'd have to do this all on our own.

"But I'll lets you borrow something from the store to help in the search, and if you find and bring back the armor I'll let you keep it. How does that sound, nyoro~?"

Actually, that sounds like a pretty good deal. Now, maybe one of these nice weapons over here-

"What do you think you're doing?" she asked accusingly.

"Uh, trying to find something to take with us?" I replied, gesturing towards said weapons.

"Well, _I'm_ still the Brigade leader, so _I'll _be making the decisions around here."

Haruhi, no offense, but you wouldn't know a good decision if it came up and slapped you right in the face.

She looked around the store, taking in everything that wasn't nailed down. Then, she reached behind the counter and pulled a frightened looking Mikuru Asahina out.

"We'll take Mikuru!" Haruhi anounced cheerfully. Miss Asahina just whimpered.

So...moe...

No! Bad Kyon, bad! Focus!

"Sounds good to me," Tsuruya said, "have megas fun!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_OK, that turned out slightly different than I originally planned. However, I think it's probably for the best; Mikuru probably couldn't handle the pressures of running a business on her own. _

_Anywho, there's a little something for __superstarultra__ in this chapter. See if you can find it. _

_When the going get's tough, the tough review._

_(And don't forget to vote on my poll! It actually gives you a chance to influence GO GO RPG!)_


	10. Lost Innosence 3

_Boy, these things our pumping out faster than I thought! Of course, I'm still posting them at a normal rate, just incase the spout of ideas suddenly shuts off. Gotta have a reserve in case that happens._

_Anyways, I might as well get this one out of my system sooner or later. It's a different take on Nagato's eroge games. (NO! Not like that, you perverts! I do not write Lemons on principle. Plus, I already classified this story as K+, and I'm not about to change it any time soon. So there.) Oh, and Kyon might be a bit OOC as well, just a fair warning. _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Ho hum, nothing to do. I'm so bored right now, I don't even feel like celebrating the fact that Haruhi hasn't arbitrarily made me go on some meaningless, pointless errand or come up with some highly improbable scheme doomed to failure from the start in over _two whole hours!_

It didn't really help that I was the only one in the club room at the moment either. Haruhi was off doing something with Asahina-san, God only knows what. Koizumi had followed shortly after, saying something about a closed space forming. And Nagato has gotten roped into doing something with the Occult Club that probably has something to do with the fortune telling she did back at the cultural festival.

So in short, I was the only one left in the clubroom that day.

And I was bored out of my mind.

With nothing better to do, I decided to mess around on Haruhi's computer before she got back. After all, who knew the next time I'd get a chance like this to look at my secret gallery of Mikuru pictures?

As the computer booted up, my eyes took in the contents of Haruhi's desk; the computer, the mouse, Haruhi's paperweight, a pencil, a game case, a bit of rice-

Wait a second, a game case? What was a game case doing on Haruhi's desk anyways? She usually prefers active, outdoors games. Baseball and the like. (Plus, she's _way_ too impatient to sit through loading screens.)

_"Lost Innosence 3"_, huh? I wonder what it's like? There's no picture on the front of the case, and it doesn't look like there's an instruction manual. Oh, at least the game itself is here. I'll just pop it into the disk drive here...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Holy crap! What is this? This is...OK, there are no words to describe how wrong this is! This is the stuff that haunt people's nightmares! I'd rather watch that godawful movie we made than look at _that_ again! Oh, those poor, _poor_ girls!

I immediately turned off the screen as fast as I could and ejected the disk, trying to block out the images of what I saw.

I was failing miserably...

"Do you require assistance?"

I looked up and saw Nagato standing over me in her witch getup from the cultural festival.

"You are hypervenalating, sweating profusely, your adrenaline is higher than normal, and your nose is bleeding. Did you eat anything suspicious today?"

"Well, I did get some ohagi from the cafeteria that tasted like mud, but that's _definitely _not the cause." Wait, my nose is bleeding? Never mind... I held up the game's case, "What is the meaning of this!"

"Um-"

"I know I don't give you a lot of gripe about your taste in computer games, but leaving them out in the open like that is just too much!"

"Well-"

"I mean, what if one of the faculty walked in and saw that game lying around? Not to mention if my little sister found it..."

"But-"

"You could get expelled! Or worse, social services could get involved!

"Actually-"

"So if you keep leaving these things lying around everywhere-"

"It is not my game."

It's amazing how just five little words like that could could have so much power.

For a moment I just stared at her, my brain trying to contemplate what it just heard. It was like the world stopped spinning.

"Say what?"

"It is not my game," she reiterated, "and I would never be so careless as to leave any of them where they would be found so easily." She walked over to the bookcase and pulled one out slightly. The entire unit turned around, revealing hundreds of eroge games.

Wait a second, why does the front of my shirt feel warm and sticky?

"I keep a list of all the games I own," she said, pulling a clipboard off of one of the shelves. She flipped through a couple pages, "I currently do not own any games with 'Lost', 'Innosence', and '3' in the same title."

I shudder to think of what those games she did own are actually called.

"OK, it's not your game. So then who's game is it?" I asked.

Nagato shrugged. "If you want, I can perform an examination of the disk itself and extrapolate the fingerprints of the owner," she offered.

"I appreciate the offer Nagato, but this is something I feel I have to do myself."

And so began my quest to find the careless owner of the game!

I _really_ hope I don't regret this...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

It's now much later and I have gathered the rest of the SOS Brigade here in the clubroom (as well as some other likely suspects). Haruhi, Asahina-san, Koizumi, Tsuruya, Taniguchi, and the computer club president were all lined up against the bookcase in the club room, all looking like they'd rather be somewhere else. (It was kind of hard to tell with Itsuki, but it's there if you look hard enough.)

"Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I've called you all here today."

Everyone collectively nodded their heads.

"Could we hurry this up?" Haruhi asked, arms folded. "I've got random crap I need to extort from people for no good reason."

"And my folks megas don't like it when I don't come home from school cause of things not related to extra curricular activities, nyoro~." Tsuruya said.

Asahina-san looked nervous and Taniguchi looked bored. The computer club president was tapping his foot impatiently.

"I'm sure we're all curious as to why Kyon requested our presence," Koizumi said with his signature plastic smile, motioning for everyone to remain calm. He turned to me, "Please continue."

"Thanks. Now, it has come to my attention that one of you," I pointed to everyone in turn, "plays computer games. Particularly, the kind that Nagato has taken an intrest in of late.

"The reason I know this is because I found _this!,_" I held up the game, "on top on the computer desk, _right here,_ in this very room!"

Everyone gasped, and a couple people began to look nervous.

"Now, which one of you left this here where my little sister could have found it and gotten scared for life?"

"Um," Asahina-san stammered, "Kyon-"

"Not now Asahina-san," I said, waving her off absently. (Yes, I died a little inside doing that, but I have more pressing matters right now.) I chose my first victim.

"Taniguchi," I said, staring intently at him, "admit it; out of me, you, and Kunikida, you were always the most girl crazy! So, when all your efforts at getting a real girlfriend failed, you went and bought this game to give yourself the satisfaction you so desperately crave!"

"I hate to break it to you, Kyon my man, but that's not my game. My mom doesn't even let me have _posters_ of girls, let alone naughty games like that." He looked at me pleadingly, arms reaching out, "But can I have it anyway?"

"No," I deadpanned, shoving him back lightly.

Hmm, this might be a little harder than I thought. Maybe I shouldn't have dismissed Nagato's offer of help so quickly.

Oh well...

"Kyon?" Asahina-sand said again, "There's something you should-"

"Don't worry Asahina-san, you aren't one of the suspects." I though for a moment, "In fact, I'm not even sure why I asked you here for this in the first place. You don't have to stay here any longer."

For some reason, Asahina-san looked disappointed as she walked over to Nagato's chair. (Nagato herself was off doing whatever with the Occult Club by now.)

After that the interrogation went much like it had with Taniguchi; I accused them and they each refuted my claim with an argument of their own.

Tsuruya had given any games she owned to Nagato, and hadn't gotten new ones since.

The computer club president didn't own it, because one of the stipulations of have the club in the first place was 'No eroge games'.

And it wasn't Koizumi's becasue he said his "job" takes up too much of his time, and he doesn't fancy computer games anyways. (That last part was a direct quote, by the way. No way I'd use the word "Fancy" like that.)

In the end, only Haruhi was left.

"I should have know," I sighed.

"What the hell are you talking about, Kyon," she pouted, suspiciously averting her eyes.

"I'm talking about the fact that you are the only logical suspect left! Admit it; one of the high points of you day is harassing Asahina-san," I pointed to Asahina-san, who flinched when I did so. "But you needed more. Then one day, you saw Nagato playing her games, and it gave you an idea. So you went and bought the game to play when you weren't making Asahina-san's life miserable!" A though struck me, "Come to think of it, that _does_ explain why you're always on the computer whenever we have club."

HA! Try and refute that!

"I hate to break it to you, _Captain Clueless,_ but I don't own the game either."

HUH? That's not possible! I eliminated every other possibility, you _have_ to be the one!

"You see," she explained, "After the the day Mikuru and I passed passed out flyer's, (I _still _think the stupid teachers overreacted), they told me that the next time they caught me doing something that 'obscene', they'd put it on my permanent record! And unlike _some_ people, I actually _care_ about my grades."

Dammit! Haruhi was my last suspect! Now I'll never find out who's game that is...

"Um, Kyon..."

"Yes, Asahina-san?"

"It's my game."

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Well endowed, angelic, time traveling, upperclassmen say what?

"It's my game," she said again.

OK, never in my _wildest_ dreams would I have thought that _Asahina Mikuru-san _would be the one to own a game like that? Haruhi and Taniguchi I could understand, and Tsuruya, Koizumi, and even the computer club president aren't that much of a stretch. But _Asahina Mikuru?_

Suddenly, everything I've ever known now seems wrong.

"Why?" was all I managed to say.

"Well, I like serving tea and all, but honestly, it starts to get boring after doing it every day for months. So, I decided to find something else to do in my spare time."

You know, that kind of makes some sort of sense.

"That's nice and all Asahina-san, but where did you get that game?"

"Oh, you little sister gave it to me. She said already played it through five times and was getting bored."

Is it just me, or did I feel my heart suddenly seize up?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Zing! Bet you did see _that_ coming, did you? If not, then I've done my job. _

_So, what do you people think of these one-shot chapters? Do they strike a chord in you? What else would you like to see? Send me a PM or a review with any suggestions you have. As long as it pertains to videogames in some way, I'll do my best to work it in somewhere. _

_I need more reviews, Father..._


	11. CAMEO AUTHOR'S NOTE

_Hey there, Layman speaking. Just a little something to occupy me until I post the special Halloween chapters. _

_You heard me._

_HALLOWEEN CHAPTERS. _

_And here you help me with this A.N., straight out of Yugioh; The Abridged Series, Zombie Boy! _

_ZB; Brains. (Hi there.) _

_Anyways, the first of the two chapters is pretty much the SOS Brigade in cosplay._

_ZB; Brains. (And not much else.) _

_Shut up! The second one is a lot darker than the rest of what I've done so far. _

_ZB; Brains brains, brains brains. (Which isn't really saying much.) _

_Remind me why I brought you here again? _

_ZB; Brains. ('Cause I'm awesome.) _

_Bakura; Keep telling yourself that, Zombie Boy. _

_Wait, Bakura, what are you doing here? This is a closed Author's Note. _

_Yuki; I'm afraid I must claim responsibility for allowing him to intrude upon your private session. _

_YUKI? Great, who else is here?_

_Kyon; Guilty._

_Haruhi; Idiot! Don't confess!_

_Koizumi; Exactly, Suzumiya-san; we'll get a lighter sentence if we plead insanity._

_Mikuru; I'm scared; what are all these people doing here?_

_Yami; What? The door wasn't even locked. _

_Yugi; That's not true; you broke right in. _

_Yami; That's what she said._

_Tsuruya; Ha ha ha ha ha! ...nyoro~._

_Joey; Nyeh?_

_Téa; Friendship!_

_Tristan; Are hobos real?_

_Pegasus; OOOoooh!_

_Mokuba; See Seto? I told you we'd get caught._

_Kaiba; Shut up, Mokuba!_

_Marik; IGNORE ME!_

_Roland; ATTENTION, DUELISTS!_

_Mai; Yes, they're real, stop asking._

_Zork; I'm going to destroy the world! *laughtrack* _

_Rex; Buttmunch._

_Weevil; He he, yeah, he._

_Bandit Keith; Hulk Hogan is the President! (In America!)_

_Mako; I have no idea what I'm doing here. How about you, darling?_

_Ocean; ..._

_Mako; The Ocean say "me neither"._

_Duke Devlin; *"Bringin' Sexy Back" starts playing* I heard their'd be hot chicks._

_Serenity; *"Bringin' Sexy Back" stops playing* Joey, why do people say "That's what she said"? _

_Joey; Nyen, well..._

_EVERYBODY OUT NOW!_

_*everybody leaves* _

_Geez, you make one reference to their series..._

_ZB; Brains? (Are we still dong thing or what?)_

_Bob the Vampire Zombie; Urgh? (Yeah, are we?) _

_No, we're done. I'm just gonna go lie down with some booze. STRONG booze._

_Anyways, the Halloween chapters are coming soon._

_fin._


	12. Cosplayers

_OK, here's another one-shot! Actually, I think my Idea Pool is starting to run dry. Y'all got anything you want to see?_

_Drinking game! Every time you read to word "Costume", take a drink. (I leave the beverage of choice up to you.)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Haruhi," Kyon asked one day, "can I ask you something?"

"I don't see why not," she said, "You know how open I am to the opinions of my Brigade."

_Actually, _Kyon thought, _you're not._

"Why are we all dressed up as video game characters?" He gestured to the rest of the Brigade, along with Tsuruya and his little sister. Koizumi was dressed as Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII (the effect of the costume was kind of ruined by his winning smile), Asahina-san was Princess Peach from Mario (only with more chest showing), Nagato was dressed like Chun-Li from Street Fighter (she even put in buns for the part), Tsuruya was Lara Croft from Tomb Raider (Kyon shuddered a bit when he saw her costume), and his sister was a Toadstool, also from Mario (she looked adorable).

He himself had on a Pikachu mask, which he had pushed up on his head so he didn't accidentally bump into anything.

"Didn't you get the note?" Haruhi asked, looking at him quizzically. (Though inwardly, she was seething that he wasn't wearing his costume properly. She had hand-picked it herself for crying out loud!)

Kyon reached into his pocket and pulled out said note. It read thus...

_"Put on the costume in the box and come to the clubroom. HS."_

"Yeah, so?"

"So, now that you're all hear, get out."

"Huh?" said everyone in perfect unison.

"GET OUT!" Haruhi screamed. "I'm going to change!"

With this new information, everyone quickly filed out of the room.

A few minutes later Haruhi came out, dressed in her costume.

"And who are you suppose to be?" Kyon asked.

"Duh!" she yelled, clubbing him over the head with a microphone, "I'm Yuna from Final Fantasy X-2!"

"You look very much like her," the esper with Botox injections said.

"Don't I?" she said, twirling around.

"Um, you still haven't told us why we have to wear these costumes?" Kyon interjected, snapping Haruhi back to reality.

"I should think the reason would obvious; we're going to a gaming convention!"

"A gaming convention?" he said, confused.

"Ooh!" Tsuruya said gleefully, "Sounds like megas fun, nyoro~!"

"It seems like a delightful change of pace from our normal outings," Koizumi said, smiling.

"I heard they'll be exibiting the new 'Eternal Pleasures' game there," Nagato intoned.

Kyon ignored that, and asked "And why would we be going to a gaming convention dressed in weird costumes like this anyways?"

"To meet the people and things we're dressing as," Haruhi replied snidely. "Where have you been?"

Kyon turned to the rest of his friends, "Does any of that make a lick of sense to anyone else?"

Silence.

Somewhere in the room, a cricket chirped.

"OK, who left the damn window open and let the bug in?" Haruhi questioned, putting her hands on her hips for dramatic emphasis. "That person's getting the Death Penalty!"

"Aren't there rules against giving someone the death penalty?" Kyon whispered to Koizumi, who was scratching at his wig.

"Screw the rules!" Haruhi shouted, barging past the two male club members and stomping out the door, "Now let's get to the convention so I can meet Cait Sith."

"Nagato," Kyon whispered again, "make sure there's at least _one_real videogame character walking around this thing, OK?"

Nagato nodded.

_To be continued...?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_OK, before you get any ideas, there is a 99.99% chance that I'm not going to write a part 2 for this arc. This was mostly just an excuse to get the SOS Brigade into cosplay. (But if anyone has a good idea how to actually write a part 2, I'd be more than willing to work with them to get it done!)_

_And because no Haruhi crack story is complete without a referance to Yu-Gi-Oh; The Abridged Series..._

_Screw the reviews, I have money! Hey, wait a second..._


	13. Wednesday the 18th

_Hey y'all, Layman here! And it looks like it's a fine day for another parody. This one is dealing with a little campfire story that is featured in the game "Fallout 3". _

_Trust me, if you've played the game, you'll recognize in right away._

_Grossly underused disclaimer! I don't own "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" or the "Fallout" series. If I did, "Disappearance" would have been animated first and hacking computers in that game would have been hella easier, respectively. Just saying..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Itsuki; "...Suddenly, just as the last of the girls brought her gun to bear..."

Mikuru; "What happened Itsuki-kun?"

Itsuki; "Well, I must mention to you all that even _I_ am quite disturbed by the ending of this sad tail, and I feel that I should warn you that any of you that don't think you can handle it may leave now before-"

Haruhi; "_Bo-_ring! Come on Itsuki, you can do better than that!"

Itsuki; "I'm afraid that's the scariest story I know, Suzumiya-san. Maybe someone else would like to try?"

Haruhi; "Good idea; Kyon, tell us a scary story!"

Kyon; "I'm afraid the only scary story I know is the one where I met you."

Haruhi; "Hmph, cute. Mikuru, how 'bout you?"

Mikuru; "I don't know any either; I've always hated scary stories. I even get the shivers watching Halloween commercials."

Haruhi; "Hmm, we'll have to remedy that one of these days. Anyways, how about you, Yuki? You read all the time, so you've got to have at least _one_ good scary story, right?"

Yuki; "It is true that I read a lot, but I have not read any that would have a sufficient quantity of horror elements to have the desired effect you wish for."

Haruhi; "Sigh, I guess it's up to me, _as usual."_

Kyon; "Yay."

Haruhi; "Shut up, I'll give you a penalty later. Now where was I?... Oh, right! Anyways, I assume you've all heard of the Pint Sized Slasher?"

Yuki; "I have not."

Itsuki; "Neither have I. It sounds quite scary."

Mikuru; "Mmm, I've heard about it. Do we have to hear it?"

Haruhi; "Yes, because no one else here is man enough to tell a good scary story!

Kyon; "But aren't three of you girls?"

Haruhi; "Silence! That's it Kyon, penalty!"

Itsuki; "Maybe you could continue that after the story, Suzumiya-san?"

Haruhi; "Good idea, Itsuki! 100 points for you!"

Itsuki; "Thank you very much."

Haruhi; "Now, on with the story! On a night just like this, with the rain and the lightning and the thunder, at a campsite in the mountains, there was a group of teens much like us. There were five of them, plus the little sister of one of them.

Haruhi; "Two nights before they planned to leave, three of them (including the one's little sister) went for a hike in the woods. When they were still fairly close to their campsite, they found an abandoned shack. They didn't know it was abandoned at the time, because there were lights in the windows.

Haruhi; "One of the three, a very inquisitive girl, decided they should see if anyone was home and say hello. Dragging the other camper and their little sister along, they knocked on the door. When there was no answer, they knocked again. When the silence persisted, the other camper pushed against the door and found it open. Inside was a rather plain cabin, with only the barest furnishings and even fewer decorations. One thing imparticular was an old clown mask the little sister found funny and decided to keep.

Haruhi; "On their way back to the campsite it started to rain, and the path they took up became to slick to walk on. Fortunately, they found a rocky ledge that went in roughly the same direction. It was narrow, but still wide enough that they wouldn't fall off if they were careful.

Haruhi; "When they were about half way across, the little sister complained that the clown head was making it too hard for her to walk, so her sibling, (the other camper), suggested that she wear it so she could use both her hands. The little sister thought this was a good idea, so she donned the mask and used both her hands to steady herself. When they were almost to the end, the ledge got very narrow and the little sister slipped, falling before the other two could catch her.

Haruhi; "When they got back to the camp, they told others what happened. They did the whole 'Namu Amida Bastu...' thing, and they all went to sleep, not giving the incident a second thought, dreaming their own special dreams. But unbeknownst to them, in the middle of the night-

"?"; "RAGH!"

Mikuru; "EEEK!"

Itsuki; "Good lord!"

Yuki; "Ah."

Kyon; "Don'tkillmedon'tkillmedon'tkillme-

Haruhi; "HA HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"?"; "Surprise!"

All sans Haruhi; "Imouto?"

Kyon; "Imouto? What the heck are you doing in that mask?"

Imouto; Suzumiya-chan asked me if I wanted to play a prank on you guys. It sounded like fun!"

Kyon; "Well, my bowels say differently."

Itsuki; "I must admit, you both got us quite good."

Yuki; "I was quaking in my boots."

Imouto; "Thanks! Tee hee!"

Haruhi; "We got you all _soooo_ good! You should have seen your faces!"

Mikuru; Is it safe to come out, now?"

Itsuki; "It's perfectly safe now, Asahina-san. You can come out from under the table."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it, an almost infinitesimal part of Fallout 3 turned into a Haruhi oneshot for your amusement. _

_Also, I have a couple stories to recomend for this Halloween. The first is by the inestimable __superstarultra__, entitled "A Cold, Dead Space". The second is called "The Cries of Haruhi Suzumiya" and it's by __Thnickafan__. If that one doesn't scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will._

_Now, I know I'm totally stealing this next line from __superstarultra__, but..._

_Review, Haruhi worshipers! You yellow-ribboned, headband wearing goddess demands it!_


	14. Go go RPG: part 5

_And now, join me, as we embark on the wonderfully arbitrary, yet strangely necessary SIDE QUESTS! The cast so far is Haruhi, Kyon, and Mikuru. Haruhi bravely charges blindly forward, Kyon is wondering what Haruhi sniffed for breakfast this morning, and Mikuru is praying fervently, asking whatever god she can think of what she did to deserve this. _

_Now enough intro, let's get this bad boy a' Rollin'!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

You know, I _almost_ didn't mind going on this side quest, I really didn't. The payoff would have been great. But as usual, Haruhi's "I saw it, it's mine!" toddler mentality reared it's ugly head and even that ended up getting devalued.

"KYON! Stop staring off into space and pay attention! We're supposed to be looking for the armor thief, not daydreaming about what costumes you want to see Mikuru in!"

Hey! That's what you do; don't project your desires onto me! Not that I totally wouldn't love to see that…OK, I'll just stop now.

Anyways, apparently Tsuruya got roped into this strange adventure as well, and she owns a shop that got robbed.

Guess who got the job of getting all the loot back.

Go on, guess.

That's right, yours truly.

"So how exactly do you plan on finding this alleged thief?" I asked, with hopes that I would be able to figure out whatever convoluted plan Haruhi came up with.

"Simple," she said, "we ask around. In a town this small, it stands to reason that someone has to have seen _something_ happen."

Actually, it _doesn't _stand to reason. Small towns mean _less_ witnesses, not _more_.

"But there's no one here," Miss Asahina pointed out cleverly, "who are we going to ask?"

"Oh there are people here," Haruhi said, shooting down Mikuru's wonderful objection, "can you guess where? Come on, guess."

You're actually making us guess? Wait, you're not just asking us to guess because _you_ don't know yourself, are you?

"GUESS ALREADY!"

"Ah! Th-their houses?" Mikuru whimpered, cowering behind me.

"Good guess, but no. They'd all be in the town square, duh!"

Sometimes I wonder if the whoever the person is who ever figures out Haruhi's brain will get a Nobel if they do.

They'd totally deserve it.

"To the square, everyone!"

In the town square we went around to as many people as we could and asked about the armor thief. Hang on, let me rephrase that...

In the town square, Haruhi dragged us behind her to whoever happened to be in her line of sight at the moment and asked them about the armor thief.

"Sir," she said to one such person, "we represent the Tsuruya's Megas Merchandise store in town. We were wondering if you perhaps knew anything about the theft of armor form the establishment. Anything would be helpful." The man looked thoughtful for a moment.

"I'm afraid not," he said eventually, "I was at home around the time it happened, so I didn't see anything one way or the other. I hope you catch him, though."

"Oh," Haruhi looked disappointed, "well, thank you for your time." Then she bowed and dragged us on to the next person.

After doing this another eight times, she called for a rest.

"I don't get it, there has to be _someone_ who knows something about what happened!"

"Don't worry Miss Suzumiya," Miss Asahina said, trying to keep Haruhi from unknowingly destroying the universe (bless her soul!), "I'm sure we'll find someone eventually."

"Aw," Haruhi cooed, giving Miss Asahina a hug, "thanks Mikuru, you're such good friend." It was almost a sweet moment, until Mikuru "eeped" and started to blush.

Sigh, Haruhi Haruhi Haruhi...

"Anyways," Haruhi said with renewed vigor, "we can't give up hope now, not when we're so close to the truth!"

We were close? And what truth?

"Kyon, blindfold me!"

Huh?

"After you do that, spin me around."

Does this even have a point?

"Once I stop, whoever I'm facing is who we're going to question next."

OK, I guess it does. There's just one problem though...

"Wait," I asked, "what if we've already asked whoever you're facing?"

"Oh, don't fret the petty details; just obey your Brigade Leader already!"

Fine, but I do so under protest.

Improvising a blindfold out of the scarf on Haruhi's school uniform (which had stayed surprisingly clean throughout this entire adventure so far) I tied it over her eyes and spun her around.

And around...

And around...

And around-

OK, I admit, I guess it felt rather cathartic trying to make Haruhi dizzy. So sue me, I'm only human.

Once she stopped spinning, Haruhi (rather shakily) pointed in front of her and removed the blindfold, stating "That one," as she did.

I looked where Haruhi was pointing, and saw a young girl around Imouto's age sitting on the stoop of one of the houses. As Haruhi found her equilibrium again, she headed over to the girl with conviction.

Oh well, here goes nothing...

"Excuse me," Haruhi said, walking shakily up to the young girl, "we represent-whoa!-Tsuruya's Megas Merchandise. Do you happen to know _anything_ about the thefts?"

The girl thought for a moment.

"Um, well, I _did_ see a couple of guys carrying some sacks run off into the woods the other night," she said, "but I didn't really think much of it."

"Thanks," Haruhi said, and hobbled back over to us.

"So," I asked, "how'd it go?"

"We finally have a starting point!" she announced, "We're going to look for the armor thieves in the woods!"

"Thieves?" Oh, great, now there are _two_. "When did there become more than one?"

"When that little girl I asked said she saw two suspicious looking characters sneaking off into the woods lugging huge sacks behind them."

Oh.

"So stop standing around with your mouth open, let's go catch those thieves!"

And with that, Haruhi began walking off to find the thieves.

"Um, the woods are in that direction," Miss Asahina said, pointing in the exact opposite direction that Haruhi was going.

"I knew that!" Haruhi said, not deterred in the least. She did a completely 180 and began walking again with gusto. "Let's go!"

Did I already say that it's going to be a long day?

Well, it is.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The woods actually looked different from the other ones Haruhi and I traversed before. I don't quite know how, but they did. Maybe it was the texture of the bark on the trees or the color of the leaves, but for some strange reason, I could tell that this wasn't the same forest Haruhi and I had walked (and fought) through earlier.

"OK, maybe we should take you to a doctor; you've been spacing out _way_ too much lately."

Um, I don't know whether to be grateful for her concern or insulted that she thinks there's something wrong with me.

Anyways, it's been about a half an hour since Haruhi dragged Miss Asahina and I into the woods in search of the (now _two_) armor thieves that robbed Tsuruya's store.

Which begs the questions...

"Do you have any idea where you're going?" I asked.

"Absolutely!" she said indignantly. "We Suzumiyas are born with an innate sense of direction, so it's impossible for us to get lost."

Yeah, and I'm not just an average high school freshman that created the Frankenstein's monster you are today.

"Well, would you mind telling the rest of us where your 'innate, inborn sense of direction' is leading us?"

Hey, it's worth a shot.

"Nope!"

Then again...

"You two don't need to worry about _navigating_, that's the Leader's job! All you guys need to do is follow me wherever I may lead you."

Yeah, somehow, that doesn't give me much comfort.

Miss Asahina looked ever worse than I felt; I couldn't tell whether she was relieved at not having that responsibility on her shoulder or disappointed that Haruhi thought so little of her.

"Are you alright, Miss Asahina?" I asked, falling back into step next to her.

"Mmhmm," she gave a small nod, "I guess I'm more use to being a follower. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you looked kind of distraught just now." She brushed it off with a smile.

"No, really, I'm fine~." Aw, isn't she a trooper? Of course, if you think about who she has to deal with...

"So why did you end up here anyways?" I asked, trying change the subject.

"Well," she said, bringing her finger to her chin in the classic 'thinking' pose, "after I left the club I went to my locker to get my stuff, and ran into Tsuruya when I got there. Then, after grabbing my billhook and her taser, we got into her car and headed off."

"Hang on a second, where were you two going with weapons like that?" I asked, flabbergasted that my classmates would have thins like those in their lockers. It sounds like it came out of a horror manga or something.

"Um," she stammered nervously, "th-that's classified."

Should have seen that coming...

"Whatever," I sighed, "continue." Somehow, that conversation seems better left unspoken.

"Anyways, we rode in her car for a while before we both fell asleep. When we woke up, we were in the store you found us in."

"And Tsuruya just decided to roll with it, right?"

"Yes."

Well, it's not the most unbelievable story I've ever heard. I mean, it's practically the same thing that happened to me. Though I wonder if Tsuruya got dragged along because Haruhi wanted her here, or because she was just with Miss Asahina at the time?

"Alright then," I said, trying to keep up conversation, "new question; _how_ do you think we got here?"

Questions like these are always good for killing time. It's made many a city wide search seem like no time at all.

"I probably shouldn't tell you this," she said, her voice getting low and urgent, "but yesterday, my superiors told me they detected a time/space anomaly happening approximately 26.3 hours into the future from that time. I think this is what they were talking about."

"Wait, time _and_ space? Have the people in your time advanced that far already?"

"It's classified, but just because I can't tell you about it doesn't mean that progress doesn't happen. Anyways, my guess would be that Miss Suzumiya transported all of us out of normal space/time into a dimension or world that conformed to a preconception of hers."

OK, I kind of get it. I'm sure there's more to the explanation than Miss Asahina told me, but I probably wouldn't understand that part of it anyways. I can barely keep up with Nagato's explanations as it is.

Speaking of which, we haven't heard from her disembodied voice in a while, have we?

"Kyon, Mikuru," Haruhi called from further ahead, "stop flapping your gums and get over here. I just found the armor thieves!"

We both rushed up to Haruhi, who was crouched behind some bushes.

"Look who's sitting over there with two large sacks of armor!"

I looked where she was pointing, and saw the last two people I would have expected to see here.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_OK, I'm just going to clear this up now; neither one is Ryoko Asakura. They're some of the other supporting characters. Can you guess who? _

_May the Reviews be with you!_


	15. Stick to DDR

_OK, here's another one with the same characters as chapter #1! You know you liked their Gamertags *wink, wink*. _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

You all remember the SOS Brigade and their disasterous Halo 3 Slayer match, right?

Well, they _totally_ didn't learn their lesson...

"I told you to get the Gravity Hammer!" the Brigade Queen was yelling at her lowely servant, "Why didn't you get the freaking Gravity Hammer!"

"Oh _I don't know_?" Kyon retored, "Maybe because every time I tried to get near it, somebody always snipes me in the back!"

"Then why don't you drop a Bubble Shield before you get it!"

"Because _you_ keep hogging it!"

"It seems that Kyon and Suzumiya-san are getting along quite nicely," Koizumi commented absently to Nagato, who was currently engrossed in one of her eroge games at the moment. (She was also using the time to download new strategies for Team Capture the Flag and King of the Hill, but that isn't pertanent to the story right now.)

"Um, are arms suppose to bend like that?" Mikuru asked aprihensively, staring with morbid fascination at the scuffle that had broken out between Haruhi and Kyon.

"I don't suppose they do," Itsuki said, concern seeping through his pirma-grin.

"Human legs are also not dexterous enough to achieve such an acute angle either," Nagato said, taking a peek at the scuffle herself.

Suddenly, the door burst open and the green haired, pointy fanged, genki girl, honorary member Tsuruya walked in, dragging a burlap sack behind her.

"Hey y'all!" she announced cheerfully, "I was just passing by when..." She trailed off, mesmerized by the "lover's quarel" going on between Haruhi and Kyon. "Um, are legs suppose to bend like that, nyoro~?"

Yuki shook her head.

"Oh. Well, anyways, I come bearing gifts!" She swung her sack onto the table with a mighty THUD! The noise was actually loud enough to make Haruhi and Kyon look up from their fight to see what caused it.

"Th-th-that looks like a lot of stuff," the time traveler stammered, pointing at the bag.

"Oh, it's not _that_ much, just some old stuff of mine I thought you guys could use here~!" She untied the mouth of the sack and dumped it's contents out for all to see.

"What's all this stuff?" Koizumi asked, his eyebrow raised quizically.

"It's all my old stuff for 'Rock Revalution'. I don't need it anymore since I got 'Rock Band 3', so I'm donating it to your club, along with my old Hard Drive." She beemed, "Aren't I just megas awesome~?"

"'Rock Revalution'?" asked Haruhi, "I've never heard of it?"

"I afraid the only other game we have that isn't one of Nagato's is Halo 3," the esper explained.

"Well, let's see," Tsuruya said, stroking her chin thoughtfully, "I guess it's kinda of like karaoke, but with guitar and drum parts too. Oh, and you're scored for how well you play the song."

"Sounds simple enough," Haruhi said. "Let's fire that bad boy up!"

After switching out the Hard Drives, Haruhi booted up the machine.

"Who's 'LOLFang-Tan'?" the tsundere asked.

"Oh, that's my old Gamertag. Just sign out and sign in as yourselves, I have to go."

"You aren't staying?" the esper wondered.

"Nah, I've got to get back home anyways. It's Fondu Night, nyoro~!" And with that she skipped out of the club room.

"Oh well, I guess we'll have to make due without her," the oblivious deity sighed, and began doling out instruments. "Kyon, you're on drums."

The cynic studied the drum set, and his eyes went wide.

"How the heck am I suppose play this thing? It's got ten different pads, plus a pedal!"

"Idiot!" Haruhi smacked him upside the head, "It's suppose to be authentic! Anyways, Mikuru, you'll play bass."

"I'll do my best!" she said, accepting the faux instrument.

"Itsuki," Haruhi turned to Koizumi, "you'll take care of vocals."

"It'll be my pleasure, Miss Suzumiya," the yes-man gleamed.

_How come __he__ gets the good part!_ Kyon though indignantly.

"And of course, _I'll_ be on lead guitar. Now, let's rock the joint!"

"Wait a second," Kyon held up a hand, "what about Nagato? Do you even know if she wants to play?"

Everyone looked over at the alien, who was contentedly clicking away on her computer, doing things that will not be mentioned here becuase of the rating on this story.

"Eh, she looks happy doing her own thing, she'll keep."

With that issue settled, everyone signed in to the game and began arguing over which song they should play. After a short while, everyone decided on on song by a foreign band called "Queen" and selected the hardest difficulty (on Haruhi's insistance).

Then, they pressed 'Start'.

**One minute, twenty-two seconds later...**

As the ambulence made it's way to the nearest hospital, the SOS Brigade (sans Yuki Nagato, who was spared her friends' fate because of her headphones,) wondered how the hell someone would make a game that bad! I mean, I know that Japanese developers aren't really the shining examples good game mechanics, but COME ON! With series like Rock Band and Guitar Hero _totally_ getting it right, how could you _honestly_ call something like _THAT_ "quality"? _Really?_

Fortunately, the doctors said that the Brigade would survive and perscibed three sessions of Halo 3 Slayer a week until fully recovered.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And the moral of the story is...well, I'm not really sure, but it sure allowed me to rant about how much a piece of crap 'Rock Relalution' is. There'd also a backhanded jab at how much the Japanese like Karaoke. _

_When life gived you lemons, review._


	16. More Cosplaying!

_Just because it's so easy for me, I'm doing another script chapter. Hope it's funny!_

_Also; the return of the drinking game! (Remember, the word is "costume")_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Haruhi; *excited* Kyon, come here!

Kyon; *bored* What is it _this_ time?

Haruhi; *miffed, but still excited* There's something I need your opinion on.

Kyon; *plays along* Fine, I'll bite; what do you need?

Haruhi; *like it's no big deal* I need your opinion on all these new costumes for Mikuru I picked out.

Kyon; *nosebleeds slightly* Hasn't Asahina-san suffered enough humiliation from your accursed costumes already!

Haruhi; *pinching Kyon's cheek* Oh, Kyon, you say the darnedest things sometimes! Now wait here while I go find Mikuru.

Kyon; *horrified* You mean she isn't here yet?

Haruhi; *getting impatient* No. Now, _would you kindly_ stay here until I get back with Mikuru?

Kyon; *sits reluctantly* _Fine..._

Haruhi; *back to cheerful* 'Kay! Be back in a flash!

_"A Flash" later..._

Haruhi; *excited again* I'm back! And I found Mikuru!

Mikuru; *nervous, as usual* Um, h-hi Kyon...

Kyon; *confused* Wait, why does Asahina-san need to be here if we're only talking about her costumes?

Mikuru; *also confused* What do you mean, "costumes"?

Kyon; *shocked* You didn't even tell her?

Haruhi; *shrugs* I didn't see the point.

Kyon; *starting to get angry* How could you not?

Mikuru; *still confused* Um, Suzumiya-chan, what are you going to do to me?

Haruhi; *with glint in eye* Oh, you'll see...

Mikuru; *gets stripped* EEEK!

Kyon; *nosebleeds more* Have you no shame, Haruhi!

Haruhi; *holding on to Mikuru* Stop looking, dammit!

Kyon; *looks away*

_One minute later..._

Haruhi; *beaming with pride* There, it's done!

Kyon; *peeks behind fingers* Is it OK to look now?

Haruhi; *still beaming* Yes. Now gaze upon my masterpiece and all its glory!

Kyon; *looks at Mikuru* Um, why is Asahina-san dressed like a dominatrix?

Haruhi; *clubs Kyon* She's suppose to be Bayonetta!

Kyon; *doesn't care* How was I suppose to know that?

Haruhi; *also not caring* I don't know, but you should have!

Mikuru; *anxious* Um, am I done yet?

Haruhi; *Duh!* Of course not, this is only the first one!

Mikuru; *apprehensive* How many more costumes are there?

Haruhi; *off-handed* Eh, only about fifty or so...

Mikuru; *sacred* F-f-fifty!

Kyon; *flabbergasted* How can you afford all that?

_One costume change later..._

Haruhi; *satisfied* OK, what do you think of this one?

Kyon; *pondering* I think that the succubus look doesn't really work for you, Asahina-san.

Haruhi; *disappointed* Man! And I thought she would make a cute Morrigan, too!

_Another costume change later..._

Mikuru; *happy, (surprisingly)* I like this one.

Haruhi; *unsure* I don't know. For some reason it seems like it's already done before.

Kyon; *quizzical* No, I think I'd remember her in a Peach costume, I'm sure of it.

Haruhi; *sighs* Oh well, next!

_Yet another costume change later..._

Haruhi; *beaming proudly* _Now_ we're getting somewhere!

Mikuru; *shivering* I-i-is it c-cold in here, or i-is it j-just me?

Kyon; *trying to stem nosebleed* Is this really necessary?

Haruhi; *ignoring them* You make an excellent Kasumi, Mikuru~!

Mikuru; *still shivering* Th-that's nice, b-b-but can I p-put some c-c-clothes on?

_Again, another- you know what, I'm just using line breaks from now on._

Kyon; *relieved* Well, at least she's not in a bikini anymore...

Haruhi; *makes good point* But it's still form fitting.

Kyon; *forgot about that* Good point...

Mikuru; *bashful* Seriously, could I have a robe or something?

Haruhi; *disappointed* Oh well, at least Samus would have been proud...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, at least Haruhi's not groping her. Yet..._

_But still, got any other videogame heroines you want to see Mikuru as? (They don't necessarily have to be mains, just well known.) _

_By the way, that's the Vero Suit Samus costume Mikuru's wearing._

_Help me, Reviews, you're my only hope!_


	17. Go go RPG: part 6

_So, did you guess yet? If so, thanks for playing. Your prize is the identity of the Armor Thieves! _

_For those that didn't, you all get another chapter of "GO GO RPG!" Enjoy!_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"I always knew those two were up to no good," Haruhi said, glare at the two "thieves". "It makes perfect sense they'd be behind this."

"Taniguchi and Kunikida?" I asked, staring the slightly insane Brigade leader. "They wouldn't hurt a fly, much less steal armor. Are you _sure_ that it's them?"

"Idiot!" she yelled, "_Of course _I'm sure! Why wouldn't I be? Stuff was stolen, the thieves were seen running into the woods with the merchandise, and there they are with the merchandise. It's an open and shut case."

Well, maybe because you are the master, high chairman, and CEO of Misconception Inc. Not to mention that even though you have incredible deductive abilities, you're thicker than mochi batter mixed with molasses. If only you knew what was hiding right under our nose.

...Was what I desperately wanted to say. But the chances of Haruhi destroying the universe in the tantrum she'd undoubtedly have afterwards were just too great, so I continued to uphold my vow of silence on the matter.

Now, where was I?...

Oh, right, my friends from school.

"Come on guys, let's go kick the snot out of them!" Haruhi said, jumping up and getting ready to charge off.

"Hold on there Calamity Jane," I said, grabbing the back of her shirt.

"Kyon, what the hell! Let go of me right now or you're getting the death penalty!"

Yeah, like I haven't heard _that_ before.

"Why are you charging in there anyway? Shouldn't we be a bit more subtle about this?"

"Screw 'subtle'," she said, holding her tree branch high, "I'm the leader!" And with that, she took off running.

"Shouldn't we go after her?" Miss Asahina asked.

"Nah," I said, "she didn't say that she needed us."

"Kyon, Mikuru!" Haruhi called back to us, "How dare you two desert your leader in battle! Get over here now!"

Karma, go jump in a lake. Seriously.

Reluctantly, Miss Asahina and I trudged after Haruhi, mentally preparing as best we could for whatever we would find when we caught up.

When we did catch up, we found Haruhi and my friends locked in a classic Mexican Standoff.

"Hey Kyon," Kunikida waved, "didn't expect to find you here. With Miss Suzumiya and Miss Asahina no less."

"Shut up, idiot!" Taniguchi hissed, smacking Kunikida over the head like Haruhi usually does me, "They're the _enemy_; you don't say 'hi' to the enemy! Besides, they're probably here to take the loot we rightfully stole."

Well, I can see being here hasn't adversely affected those two any more than usual.

"Hand over the armor," Haruhi announced, "and no one will get hurt."

OK, even for you, Haruhi, that's really lame. I mean, that's probably the most overused ultimatum _ever._

"Um, we just stole a ton of _armor_," Taniguchi pointed out, deadpanning, "getting hurt is the _last_ thing on our minds."

"He does have a point," Kunikida concurred.

"Whatever," Haruhi said, holding her stick like a katana, "Prepare yourselves!"

I stand corrected; _that's_ the most cliché, overused line ever.

And just like that, we were in another battle.

_You have just entered a final boss battle. _

Thanks Nagato, I was wondering when you'd chime in.

_Final bosses are much tougher than the other enemies you have faced so far, and should not be taken lightly. Make sure you have plenty of healing items, as well as a good coroner standing by. _

You know, I kind of figured they'd be a bit tougher to beat than a bunch of rats. Anyways, since they _are_ tougher than the rats, we probably shouldn't just rush up and-

"I'll give you one last chance to return the armor before we beat you into a bloody pulp," Haruhi said as she changed right at Taniguchi.

So much for waiting.

She swung her stick and hit Taniguchi right on the shoulder, only it didn't seem to have and effect.

"What the hell?' Haruhi said as she jumped away before she herself got hit. "I just hit you right on the shoulder, and you aren't writhing on the ground in pain. What gives?"

"Like we said before, we stole a bunch of armor," Kunikida explained, "It's only natural that we'd equip ourselves before anyone else came along."

"I don't see any armor on them," I whispered to Miss Asahina.

"That's because the armor kind of disappears once you put it on," she explained.

"Huh? What do you mean 'kind of' disappears?"

"I don't know, that's just how it works. But for some reason you can see it in a mirror or other reflective surfaces."

No offense to you, Miss Asahina, but I don't see how knowing that little tidbit will help us out right now.

Regardless, it looks like it was my turn to go on the offensive. I ran up to Taniguchi and prepared to give him a good kick in the gut.

"Sorry man, but this is a little payback for all the teasing about me and Haruhi," I said, giving him a kick that would have made Bruce Lee proud.

BONG!

OW! Holy- Man, that smarts! What the hell kind of armor did you steal?

Unsurprisingly, Taniguchi was cracking up.

"Man, you were _so_ got by me, and I didn't even _do_ anything yet! Ha ha ha!"

Sure, rub it in, why don't you? As if I'm not going to get enough of that from Haruhi in a minute.

I hopped back to our side.

"Well," I said to Haruhi, nursing my foot, "isn't going be quite as you thought, huh?"

"I know," she said, not bothering to berate me in her usual fashion for some reason well beyond me, "there's got to be _some_ way to make their magic armor useless or something."

_Magic _armor? Well, it _is _an RPG. Frankly, I'd be surprised if there _wasn't _magic in it.

"Mikuru, it's your turn now; do something!"

Haruhi, are you crazy? Hang on, I retract the question; _of course_ she's crazy. Why else would the world (I think) behave like a typical RPG game?

What was I saying? Oh, right... Haruhi, you can't throw Miss Asahina at them, she'll be torn to bits! Besides, you have the only thing that even resembles a weapon in our entire group.

"Um...," Miss Asahina said, fidgeting, "pass?"

Um, I hate to say this, Miss Asahina, but you can't really "pass" in a fight. And knowing Haruhi, the only way to win one of these fights is to beat your opponent to death.

Haruhi wouldn't stand for it any other way.

"Fine, you can pass."

HUH? She let Miss Asahina _pass_?

Who would have thunk it?

"Our turn then!" Taniguchi announced, charging straight at me.

WAIT A SEC-OOOF!

Can't...breath...

"Sorry buddy," he said in a way that _totally_ didn't sound sorry in the least.

"You could at least _try_ and pull your punches," I grunted.

The jerk just smiled and backed off.

"You're up, pal," he said to Kunikida, patting him on the shoulder.

"I apologies in advance for this, Kyon," he said, actually looking sincerely apologetic. But why would he?-

Oh crap.

URK!

OK, that one was right in shoulder.

"Again, I apologies," Kunikida whispered in my ear. "I would have avoided attacking at all if I could, but the only other members of your party are Miss Suzumiya and Miss Asahina, and it would just be rude to attack them without provocation."

What are you talking about? They attacked you first! Well, only Haruhi did, but still!

"A little help here would be nice," I said to Haruhi, layering it with as much 'subtle hints' as I could.

"Well then maybe you should have thought about that before you went and antagonized them," she retorted.

Idiot! You know Haruhi can't pick up on subtle hints! And for that matter, when did _I_ ever antagonize those two! You were the one shouting off challenges and ultimatums before!

"So," I said, ignoring her (totally unbased) jab, "any ideas how to beat them?"

"No clue," she shrugged casually. Big surprise. "Mikuru, any ideas?"

"Not really, no."

Well, that's more than I have.

"Well, I do have this one thing, but I don't really know if will work."

Hey, I'm open to anything right now. Whatever you've got, Miss Asahina, use it.

"Great, Mikuru! I always knew you had it in you!"

Somehow, I don't believe that.

"Do it!"

"OK. Um, here it goes... Th-th-thunder!" she said, making a "V" her eye with her left hand.

Just like she did for the movie.

Oh, great...

Suddenly, KA-BANG! Lightning struck Taniguchi, lighting him up like a neon sign in Akihabra. He spasmed for a few moments, then it stopped and he stood normally, swaying a little.

"Well," Kunikida said, clearly surprised, "I certainly didn't see _that_ coming."

"Ow..." Taniguchi moaned, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Wow!" Haruhi gasped, "Mikuru, when did you learn _that_?"

"Not long ago," she said shyly.

"I don't care if you only learned it right now, it was _great_!"

Well, you know what they say about simple minds...

"Now go kick him while he's down, Kyon!"

Yeah, slight problem with that...

"But he's still standing-"

"JUST KICK HIM, DAMNIT!"

"Whatever, _your majesty!_" I said, reluctantly (and against my better judgment) going to kick Taniguchi.

Wanna guess what happened?

BONG!

"OW!"

"Ha ha ha!"

Yep, just like that.

"Kyon," Haruhi said once I limped back to my position, "you're pathetic."

"Oh gee, _thanks_," I snarled.

"B-b-but you gave it a really good try!" Miss Asahina said, trying to negate some of the damage Haruhi was intent on causing.

"Thanks, Miss Asahina." Seriously, you're angelic kindness is the only reason why I haven't strangled Haruhi because of her crazy schemes yet.

...OK, that didn't sound as good as I thought it would.

Anyways...

"I don't suppose you suddenly learned how to do magic like that in the last five seconds, have you?" I asked Haruhi.

"Idiot! That's impossible! It would be like Mikuru here sudden gaining the ability to shoot Mikuru Beams out of her eyes!"

Sorry to disappoint you, Haruhi, but that _actually_ happened. Not that you ever knew about it, but it happened non-the-less.

"Anyways, who cares? It's my turn now!" She charged Taniguchi, (who was still dazed from the Lightning attack), jumping off a conveniently place tree stump. "Suzumiya Shockwave!"

BONK!

Ooh, nailed him right on the head!

"Uhhhh," he moaned, falling over backwards.

Well, one down.

"Yes!" Haruhi cheered, fist pumping, "I did it! I'm awesome!"

"You do know that Kunikida's still here?"

"Who?"

"My friend from school."

"Who?"

"The guys standing right there."

"Who?"

"The band who holds the record for "loudest concert" tens years running is the...?"

"Who?"

...

...

...

OK, it didn't really happen like that. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he? No, here's what really went on.

And let's take it from Haruhi's part.

"Who the hell is that?"

"That would be me," Kunikida said, giving Haruhi a small wave from the other side of the field.

"Oh, him. What about him?"

"Um," I said, "we didn't defeat him yet."

"And your point is...?"

_T.B.C._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Hey, what do you know, I ran out of space! I guess you'll have to wait a while to find out what happens next! *evil laughter* _

_Dissing the Claimer; I don't own "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya", that belongs to some other dude. The "Thunder" attack Mikuru used is the property of Square Enix. The "Who?" bit belongs to ZeroQDimensions (formerly Nyodude) and his series, "The Higurashi Parody Fandub". I highly recommend checking that out, _

_Release the Reviews...er, Kraken!_


	18. Potty Mouth

_Alrighty, here's another chapter with my self insert persona (at least for this story), TheLayman1X! Also, there's going to be a tiny bit of swearing in this chapter, just a fair warning. (Actually, I got this idea from Yugioh; The Abridged Series, so please don't sue me LittleKuriboh!)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

TheLayman1X was once again sitting in his basement playing Halo 3 (his copy of Reach was still on back order), bored out of his skull. After all, when you're so good at something, it's hard to find a decent challenge.

And anyone who wants to play you is just a glutton for punishment.

For example, there was this _really_ stubborn gamer from over in Japan called SOS1GOD. Seriously, it was like she didn't know when she was out of her league. No matter how many times he mowed her down, she still kept coming after him.

But that's not even the worst part, oh no.

She had a headset.

And she had a _huge_ potty mouth.

Take this gem from when he assassinated her while wearing Active Camouflage...

"Layman, you little (bleep)! You (bleep)ing sonuva(bleep)ing (bleep, bleep)! I'm going to tear off your (bleep) and shove them right up your (bleep, bleepbleep, bleep) and then (bleep, bleepbleep, bleep, bleep) on your (bleep, blrrrrr, bleep, bleep) with (bleep, bleep, bleep) in the (bleep, bleeeeep) and (bleep, blee-bluh-blee-blee-bleep) your (bleepbleepbleep, bleeeeep) so then you'll have to (bleep) sideways! (bleep)!"

Needless to say, he wouldn't be joining any Team CTF matches hosted by _that_ user any time soon.

Now that "Hax0red" on the other hand...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it folks! The obligatory YGO; TAS parody chapter! (Once again, please don't sue me, LittleKuriboh!) If you don't get what exactly I was parodying, go watch Yugioh Abridged episode 25 on YouTube. I guaranty you won't be able to stop laughing._

_Get your reviews off me you damn dirty ape!_


	19. Calling in the Cavalry

_And once again, we find the SOS Brigade playing videogames online with nerds overseas. _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Idiot! Why don't you ever get the Active Camouflage like I tell you?"

"Oh, maybe because _you always get it first!"_

"Well, why do go after mine? Just get the other one."

"There are _two_ Camos on this map? _Why didn't anyone tell me!"_

"F*%& dammit, now he sniped me! That's it Kyon, Penalty for distracting me!"

"'Distracted' nothing; he's been sniping us since this match started! No one's been able to find him!"

"Well, maybe I could have if _someone_ wasn't complaining about the stupid Active Camos."

"Hey, Koizumi, could you please tell Haruhi here that this guy she_ insisted_ on playing against is way too good for any of us?"

Just a typical day in the SOS Brigade.

For those who hadn't already picked up on it, Haruhi and Kyon were in the middle of a Slayer match on Halo 3 with the (now infamous) LaymanX1, getting their asses kicked.

"I'm afraid I wouldn't know," the perpetually smiling esper shrugged, "I've been over here teaching Mikuru the finer points of Chess since you two started." Across from him, Mikuru nodded.

"It's tough," she said, "but I think I'm getting the hang of it."

"Well stop doing that and get over here, we need help!" Haruhi demanded. "Oh, and get Yuki too."

"It is futile," Nagato said, still staring at her computer screen.

"Huh?" Haruhi had not been expecting the normally mute club member to respond to that.

"Probability indicates that even with all five of us it would still be an inefficient match for this other person, especially since that strategy hasn't yielded satisfactory results before."

"But if we keep at it, we'll eventually wear him down to a point that we'll be able to utterly crush him," Haruhi persisted. "Right?"

Nagato thought for a moment.

"I suppose it is possible..."

"How long will that take?" Kyon asked. Frankly, he was getting kind of tired of getting Teabagged all the time after that guy assassinated him with the Gravity Hammer. It was bad enough that Haruhi always did that to him.

Nagato paused again.

"I do not believe there is a number comprehensible to humans that would adequately define the amount of time needed to accomplish that feat."

"What?" Kyon asked.

"I believe what Nagato is saying is that we're royally screwed," Koizumi translated, smiling all the way.

"NO!" Haruhi shouted, "I will never admit defeat! Not until we've crushed this 'Lame-man' person once and for all!"

"I thought it was Layman-"

"Irrelevant!" Haruhi interrupted the club cynic. "I think the point that Yuki is trying to make is that we need more than just the Brigade to defeat him, right?"

Nagato looked over at Kyon, who just shrugged.

"I suppose," she said finally.

"Exactly! So..." Haruhi leaned in conspiratorially. Though who she was leaning in to was anyone's guess. "To beat this guy, we need to recruit more warriors to our Army of Righteousness."

"But where are we even going to find a bunch of kids in this school who are good at video and computer games?" Kyon asked.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"So let me get this straight," the computer club president said skeptically, never taking his eyes off the Brigade Leader, "even after all the times you beat us, blackmailed us, defeated us, and not to mention stole our stuff, you want _us_ to help _you_ defeat a American gamer who, as I understand it, is only giving you the long overdue thrashing that you so rightly and honestly deserve?"

"Well," Haruhi said through gritted teeth, trying valiantly to keep her temper under control, "when you put it like that..."

"No, no dice."

"Aw, _come on!_" Haruhi wailed. "We really need to beat this guy; the fate of the world depends on it!"

"And just _how_ exactly does the fate of the world depend on the defeat of this 'LaymanX1' anyway?" Haruhi didn't really have an answer for him.

"It just does, OK?" she said, angrily stomping her foot.

"How about if we offer them something in trade for their services?" Koizumi suggested.

"Nah, that'll never work."

"Um, Haruhi," Kyon began, "I think that's the only way to get them to help us."

"No it isn't," Haruhi insisted. "Penalty for mutiny!"

"Actually," the computer club president said thoughtfully, striking his chin, "if we help you guys lower the other guy's kill ratio, all we ask if that we get our computer back when we're done."

"_Absolutely not!"_ Haruhi practically exploded. "There is absolutely _no way_ that we're giving you all your computers back just to help us defeat _one_ guy!"

"Oh, we don't care about the laptops anymore," another member said, "we all got new ones for Christmas. We just want the big one you stole from us originally."

"The answer's still no. The only way you'll ever see any of those machines again is over my cold, dead-" Then Haruhi slumped to the floor.

When everyone got over the initial shock of see Haruhi spontaneously colpase, they saw that Nagato was standing over her with her left hand in the position of a Vulcan nerve pinch.

"She was becoming irrational and repetitive," Nagato intoned, though it was really just her own special way of saying that Haruhi was starting to annoy the crap out of her.

"Whatever," Kyon said, "let's just get her to the club room before she wakes up and realizes what just happened." Then he turned to the computer club president, "Remember, if you help us win against this guy you can have your computer back."

"You have yourselves a deal."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"This was the worst deal we ever made!" the computer club president said as he stormed out of the SOS Brigade's clubroom. Following closely on his heels were the other computer club members, equally miffed. "How the hell can one person be that good?"

"It's like he's from another world or something…" another nerd marveled.

"Well, he _is_ an American," Koizumi pointed out.

"More like an American _idiot_," Haruhi (who had since regained consciousness) grumbled.

"An idiot who survived _every_ strategy we threw at him before thrashing more worse than you guys did in _Day of Sagittarius III!"_ the computer club president reminded the irrational Brigade leader.

"And you know what?" he continued, "You guys can keep your stupid computer; it isn't worth it anymore!"

"God!" Haruhi exasperated once the Computer Club had left, "Why isn't anything going right?"

"Well, you can't expect everything to go your way all the time," Kyon said sagely.

"Son of a c#% chewing f&#% monster!" Haruhi exploded. "Why the f&#% does all this &#%king s%#t happen to me? F&#% my life! Always surrounded by miserable &#%king c#%s, like this whole world just likes to bend me over, and f&#% me in the ^$$ like I'm some sort of s%#t receptacle. Well as far as I can, these miserable c#%s can have a &#%king b%$& &%$ with a god damn pig! And if I ever see that b%$& &%ker again- uhhh…." Everyone just stared in shock as Haruhi suddenly collapsed to the floor unconscious, until they saw Nagato standing behind her, her hand still poised ready to utilize a pressure point.

"This cannot continue," she said, her voice almost sounding desperate. "If Miss Suzumiya is allowed to proceed on this ultimately futile quest to best this American gamer…" She paused for a second, "…the universe will eventually implode in upon itself. The process will take less than 0.0634 seconds."

"That's doesn't sound so bad," Kyon mused. "I mean, at least no one is going to suffer, right? Plus it won't happen for years-"

"It is going to happen in approximately two months from now, thereby erasing all future events and persons," the alien bookworm explained emotionlessly. "Including Miss Asahina here."

For a moment, there was _absolute silence._

"You can rewrite Haruhi's memory, right Nagato?" Nagato nodded, kneeling down next to the deprived deity (now unconscious) and placing and hand on her temple.

"I will delete all memories associated with the gamer know as 'LaymanX1', and provided alternate scenarios for any that involved anyone outside of the SOS Brigade. It will take several hours, but the effect will be permanent." She looked over at Kyon, who was nodding vigorously.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

The next day, everything was back to normal; Haruhi came up with crazy schemes and harassed Mikuru whenever possible, Kyon facepalmed and played Othello with Koizumi, who in turn just smiled and took everything in stride. Mikuru dutifully returned to her tea serving duties. At least, whenever Haruhi wasn't trying to grope her.

Nagato on the other hand took a new interest in the neglected Xbox, constantly playing whatever Halo 3 matches she could. She event got invites from professional gamers who wanted her on their team.

And yes, this even included the infamous LaymanX1.

They were now the hottest gaming couple on Xbox Live.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it folks, the final chapter in the frustrating, one-sided battle and LaymanX1. _

_So how many of you spotted the Team Four Star joke in there?(For the record, it's all theirs. I don't own a bit of it.) If you'd like, the uncensored version is right below._

Son of a [gum chewing funk monster]! Why the [fruit] does all this [funny stuff] happen to me? [Forget] my life! Always surrounded by miserable [failing clods], like this whole world just likes to bend me over, and [find] me in the [alps] like I'm some sort of [schlock] receptacle. Well as far as I can, these miserable [cows] can have a [fancy barbecue] with a god damn pig! And if I ever see that [broom kicker] again-

_Nappa; Vegeta, what does the Scouter say about his review number?_

_Vegeta; It's over 9000!_

_Nappa; What!_

_Vegeta; Oh wait, it's just a smudge. Never mind._


	20. Go go RPG: part 7

_And here it is, folks! The chapter you've been all been waiting for! OK, maybe it's not _that_ kind of chapter, but the battle with Kunikida does get resolved it. That has to count for something, right?_

_..._

_*crickets chirp*_

_RIGHT?_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

You know, I'm really starting to hate RPG's. I mean, so far, I've been bitten by rats big enough to eat me for breakfast, and then use Shamisen to pick their teeth. Multiple times. And it didn't help that Haruhi always hogged the Healing Potions, so I had to wait until we found a store to get my own!

Then, I got roped into another of Haruhi's crazy schemes, which involved us tracking down the thieves that stole Tsuruya's armor (don't ask). And once we find them, they happen to be my only friends outside of the SOS Brigade. And they're trying to beat us up! The only thing that makes any of this bearable is Miss Asahina's company.

"Um, Kyon?"

"Huh? Oh, yes Kunikida?"

"You were staring into space again."

"I was?"

"Yeah, you were."

"Will you two stop talking and fight already!"

That last one was Haruhi.

Currently, Taniguchi was lying on the ground, knocked out earlier by Haruhi. Kunikida was currently standing across from me with a gentle smile on his face, taking all of this in stride like he usually does.

In a way, he's kind of Koizumi version 1.0.

"Again, I'm sorry I have to do this, Kyon."

Oh crap, not agai-

OOOF!

OK, I think my some of my bowels just burst apart.

In case you didn't notice, Kunikida just punched me in the gut.

Rather hard.

When did he get that strong?

"Seriously? Why only go after me?" I ask him, wheezing slightly. I mean, Haruhi's right there!

"I can't help it; I just wasn't raised to hit girls."

You know, under any other circumstances, I'd say that was admirable. But then, in any other circumstances, I wouldn't be the only one getting pounded on.

"Are you alright, Kyon?" Miss Asahina asked.

"Don't worry," I said, "I'll live."

"You'd better," Haruhi scoffed, "otherwise there won't be anyone to carry all this junk back to Tsuruya."

"And you don't count?" I shot back.

"I'm a _lady!_" she said, clearly shocked that I would ask such a thing.

Though I still don't see what that has to do with anything.

"You don't make a lady carry everything."

Oh, that's what.

"Besides, it's a Gentleman's honor to ease a lady's burden for her."

Oh, I'm a _gentleman_ now, am I? Well, that makes me feel _sooo_ much better.

You could tell I was deadpanning that, right?

Besides, what you were really saying was, "You're carrying everything back or I'll do stuff to you that may possibly result in severe mental scarring".

Trust me, you learn to read between the lines with Haruhi.

"Now attack him again!"

Seeing no point in arguing with her about it, I charged at Kunikida. However, I learned from my other (admittedly failed) attempts and _didn't_ for his chest. Instead, I did some type of sweep kick (I think that's what it's called), knocking him to the ground.

"Excellent, Kyon! Glad to see you're finally pulling your weight around here."

Actually, I think I'm probably pulling _your_ weight as well as mine.

"Mikuru, it's your turn now. Hit him with that lightning thing you did before!"

"D-do I have to?"

"Yes! Now just do it!"

Seriously, Haruhi? You give Miss Asahina enough of a hard time already without shouting battle orders at her. A simple "please" will work wonders.

"Aah! OK...Thunder!"

As Miss Asahina did her "Mikuru Beam" pose again, lightning came out of nowhere and struck Kunikida full on. To his credit, however, he took it much better than Taniguchi did, as he actually got up on one knee afterwards.

"Wow, that was stronger than I thought," Kunikida mused.

"And now for the big finisher!" Haruhi announced, once again charging at my school friend. "Suzumiya Homerun!"

WHAM! Kunikida went flying as Haruhi whacked him right in the chest. Then he ran into a tree and fell to the ground unconscious

"Whoa!" I gasped, "When did you learn how to do that?"

"Just right now," Haruhi explained. "I got tired of just stunning all the enemies we fight. And then I thought; 'what if I used all the energy from the Shockwave on the target itself?' the rest is history."

I'm amazed, Haruhi; that was actually some clever thinking on your part.

Too bad you can't do that more often...

_Congratulations on beating the end-of-level bosses,_ Nagato's disembodied chimed in, _here is your reward. _

_Kyon; 126exp._

_Haruhi; 116exp. (Haruhi is now Level 2)_

_Mikuru; 111exp. _

_253 Coins_

_5 Healing Draught_

_2 AP potion_

_1 Tsuruya's armor stock_

_1 Girly Magazines_

_1 handkerchiefs_

"Yes!" Haruhi shouted, "I finally gained a level! Take that, _Kyon_!"

Huh? What did I do?

"M-m-miss Suzumiya?" Miss Asahina stuttered, "Shouldn't we bring the armor back to Miss Tsuruya now?"

"Good idea, Mikuru! Kyon," she turned to me, "you grab your friends. I'll grab the armor."

Oh sure, give me the heavy lifting.

"Um, I-I could help you..."

Oh, Miss Asahina. Do I really broadcast my emotions _that_ much?

"Thank you Miss Asahina, but I think I can manage on my own."

"Well, OK..."

"Hurry it up already, Kyon, we don't have all night."

_"All night"?_ What does she mean- Oh! When did it get so dark so fast?

"Kyon!"

"Alright! I'm coming!"

I grabbed Kunikida and hefted him of my shoulder. Man, he's heavier than he looks. Then I picked up Taniguchi as best I could and dragged him behind me.

Sorry man, if the world ever gets back to normal, I'll think of some way to make this up to you.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When we finally got back to Tsuruya's store, it had already been dark for hours. Fortunately (for some strange reason) we were still able to see pretty well, even though it was nearly pitch black around us. In fact, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if a floating arrow that pointed in the direction we were suppose to go appeared out of the blue right now.

It certainly wouldn't be the _weirdest_ thing that's happened so far.

"Oh, megas thanks, guys!" Tsuruya gushed when we handed her the bag of her armor, "Everything's all here! And you even broughts me new employees, nyoro~!"

What? We didn't- Wait, was she talking about Taniguchi and Kunikida?

"Actually," I said, "we didn't-"

"Absolutely!" Haruhi interrupted.

(As per usual.)

"I thought you could use some more since we're taking Mikuru with us~."

_Sure_ you did.

Wait, what did you say about Mikuru?

"Something wrong, Kyon?" Tsuruya asked.

"No," I said. I knew full well that any argument I tried to make for Miss Asahina's case would get shot down and beat to a bloody pulp by Haruhi. Plus, I'm starting to get a little tired of arguing with her about everything all the time.

Maybe I should ask the debate team for some pointers or something.

On second thought, maybe not; Haruhi would just give me the death penalty before I even made my first counter argument.

"Kyon! Stop staring into space!"

"Huh?"

"You were staring into space again." Haruhi gave me a cursory glare, "Are you sure you don't have some weird disorder or something?"

"Absolutely sure. Besides, even if I did, that's _my_ business."

"Whatever," Haruhi scoffed.

"Did you two get married when I wasn't looking?" Tsuruya queried. "Because you're acting like an old Yiddish couple."

Green haired, pointy tooth, genki girl upperclassman say what?

"N-no, we didn't," Haruhi stammered. "None of your business if we did, anyway."

Oh gee, where have I heard _that_ before?

"Whatever, nyoro~," Tsuruya said, brushing it away like it were nothing.

Seriously, did _Déjà-vu_ suddenly turn into a epidemic or something?

"Anyways, feel free to stay the night; I'm sure you all need rest after that big fight yous all had."

Well, never look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

The next morning I felt great; a good night's sleep really does wonders for the body! It's a luxury I'm rarely allowed.

"Kyon! Kyon, you awake yet?" Haruhi called, pounding furiously on my bedroom door.

"No," I said sarcastically, "I'm still in a deep, deep sleep." Please Haruhi, can't I get the chance to sleep in _once_ in my teenage life?

Apparently the answer to that question is "No", because a moment later Haruhi slammed the door open, looking positively miffed.

"Get out of freaking bed already!" She said, stomping over to my bed and ripping the covers off. "We've got tons to do today and you're just lazing around in your room, leaving everything to us girls!"

"All right!" I exasperated, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, "I'm getting up now. You happy?"

"Not really," she scoffed, "but it's a start."

Then she turned to leave the room.

"When you're all ready, come down to the front of the Store; I'll explain the plan then." And then she left.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_I wonder what Haruhi's big plan is? Well, there's only one way to find out. (Which I shall mention in a second.) _

_Anyways, I really could use some suggestions for scenarios for this story. It let's me know there are other's out there who are as crazy as me!_

_And now, the way to find out what Haruhi's big plan will be is..._

_"But tramps like us, baby, we were born to review!..."_


	21. Even more cosplaying

_And because I can't think of anything else at the moment, you're all getting more of Mikuru cosplaying! (The drinking game still continues!)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_20 minutes into the future..._

Haruhi; *confused* What's the matter, Kyon? Doesn't Mikuru look hot in her costume?

Kyon; *cringing* I don't know, but for some reason that costume fills me with an incredible sense of dread.

Haruhi; *scolding* Are you saying Mikuru's _ugly_?

Mikuru; *shocked* Is that true, Kyon-kun?

Kyon; *deigning it* What? No! Of course not!

Haruhi; *cat ears* That's sure what it sounded like to me...

Kyon; *angered* Damn it Haruhi, stop filling Asahina-san's head with erroneous ideas!

Haruhi; *ignoring him* OK Mikuru, Lara Croft's turn is over. On to the next costume!

Mikuru; *sees Haruhi advancing towards her* EEEK!

_([censored])_

Kyon; *staring in awe at Mikuru* Haruhi, don't take this the wrong way, but you're pretty good at making Asahina-san look like the character she's dressed as.

Haruhi; *doesn't get it* How can something like that be taken the wrong way?

Kyon; *taking his life in his hands* Because you might take it as a compliment.

Mikuru; *tugging at skirt* Are you sure the skirt's suppose to come up this much?

Haruhi; *holds up game case* Of course I am! See; it's just like Nariko wears it on the box!

_The costumes get changed..._

Haruhi; *devious smile* OK Kyon, guess who Mikuru is now.

Kyon; *bored* Chun-Li from "Street Fighter".

Haruhi; *Dammit!* How'd you guess so fast?

Kyon; *Really, Haruhi?* Haruhi, I dare you to find _one_ person, Japanese or otherwise, who _doesn't _know who Chun-Li is.

_Time passes..._

Kyon; *doesn't quite know what to say* This is...different...

Haruhi; *doesn't think so* It was just lumped in with all the other outfits I got.

Mikuru; *in helmet* I can't see a thing in here!

Kyon; *same as above* Why would they put a Master Chief costume in with a bunch hot chick ones?

Haruhi; *ditto* As long as it fits...

Mikuru; *muffled* Suzumiya-san? Kyon-kun? Are you there? I can't breath!

_1 million years later...(not really)_

Mikuru; *looking costume over* Is it just me, or are you guys getting Déjà-vu too.

Kyon; *confused* Not really. Why?

Haruhi; *agrees with Mikuru* Now that you mention it, that costume _does_ look incredibly familiar...

Kyon; *thinks of something* But didn't you just buy all these costumes just this afternoon?

Haruhi; *not deigning it* But I'm sure I'd remember putting a Yuna costume in with the rest if I did.

_Puts a pin in that issue..._

Kyon; *getting with the program* OK, _now_ I'm getting Déjà-vu. Didn't we already do a princess costume?

Haruhi; *punches Kyon* Idiot! That costume was _completely_ different!

Kyon; *not getting it* How so? They both wear pink dresses.

Haruhi; *not giving up* What does that prove?

Mikuru; *kinda scared* Actually, Kyon-kun _does_ kind of make a good point.

Haruhi; *still trying to be right* No he doesn't!

Mikuru; *getting more scared* But-

Haruhi; *gets idea* OK Mikuru, Zelda's done. Time for the next costume!

Mikuru; *very scared* EEEK!

_Will this idea work?_

Haruhi; *satisfied* There, see? Zelda and Peach are _totally_ different.

Kyon; *huh?* Yeah, that's cause that isn't Zelda anymore.

Haruhi; *annoyed* Stupid Kyon! Sheik _is_ Zelda! Everybody knows that!

Kyon; *not on good ground* Well, I didn't.

Haruhi; *exasperated* So you say that everyone and their mothers know who Chun-li is, but not that Sheik is actually Zelda? Did you get dropped on your head when you were a baby or something?

Kyon; *not in the mood* What does that have to do with anything?

Haruhi; *HAH!* So you don't deny that it happened!

Mikuru; *getting tired* Suzumiya-san, are we almost done?

Haruhi; *not breaking stride* NOT NEARLY! There's still a million more costumes to go through, so start stripping!

Mikuru; *starting to get tired of this* EEEK!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_If you've got a videogame character you want to see Mikuru as, don't hesitate to tell me so! I take all suggestions; the more outrageous the better! (Seriously, I can't really think of anything else on my own.)_

_Also, go vote on my poll! I didn't put it up there for my health, you know._

_This review is going to be Super Special Awesome! (Can you tell I like YGO; Abridged?)_


	22. The Sidequest of Haruhi Suzumiya

**The Sidequest of Haruhi Suzumiya.**

_(A/N: Actually, it pretty much only focuses on Kyon. Anyways, just a small filler for Go Go RPG while I write some more of it. Also I'd also like to thank __darkwebx01__ for giving me the idea.)_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Alright people," Haruhi said, standing in front of a large brown building with a thatched roof, "we'll be staying at this conveniently place Inn for the night. Now I've got a big day planned for tomorrow, so I want everyone to get a good night's rest." She turned to the other members of her party, Mikuru Asahina and Kyon.

"Mikuru, you come with me and help me get the room. Kyon, here's a list of supplies I think we might need. Go get them."

_Typical Haruhi,_ Kyon thought after he had walked a fair distance, _sending me on some errand while she gets to relax and do whatever she wants._ He sighed and looked down at list he had been given. It said "Open here" and had an arrow pointing to one of the corners. Deciding that he didn't really have anything better to do since Haruhi had all but forbade him from returning until he had finished the task she set for him, he opened the list.

By the time it finished unfolding, his eyes nearly fell out of his skull.

_She really expects me to get all this stuff? Who does she think she is, Kamiya Kaoru? _

Eventually he came across a person with a pile of random junk lying at their feet. Kyon saw one of the items on the list and went up to the man to ask for it.

"Excuse me," he said, "how much for the-"

"Oh woe is me!" the man wept, "for I have lost my precious family heirloom and cannot wed the girl of my dreams without it!"

"Yeah, that's nice," Kyon said, not really caring for the guy's plight, "but can I have that-"

"If only there were some brave soul who would go to the Dark Mountains and recover the heirloom for me!" the man continued. "I would be forever grateful and would let them take their pick from my stocks for their troubles."

This got Kyon's attention.

"I'll go get your stupid heirloom if you give me the stuff on this list," he said, jumping at the chance to save what meager funds his group had.

"Sure thing," the man said, dropping all pretense of sorrow and woe, "laters!"

With that he zipped off to who knows where.

_Well, this ought to be easy,_ Kyon thought as he headed off to the Dark Mountains to retrieve his prize.

_*Some time later…*_

Hours later Kyon stumbled back into the inn, nearly dead on his feet.

_Why would the catnip be guarded by a fire breathing dragon,_ the criminally overworked and grossly under thanked cynic wondered, _why couldn't it be in a shop like everything else? And what does killing 25 King Rats and taking their teeth to make a knife that doesn't even work that well have to do with finding some stupid heirloom anyways? It's like all those other tasks were thrown in just to make the main one longer! Seriously, none of the stuff I got was even on Haruhi's list! _

"Kyon? What the hell happened to you?" Haruhi exclaimed, taken aback by her errand boy's ragged new appearance. "You look like you got run over by a truck, or like you pissed of a fire breathing dragon."

_You have no idea…_

"I just made some tea," Miss Asahina said, "you look like you could use something to help."

_Well,_ Kyon thought as he accepted a cup from Mikuru,_ maybe all my suffering _was_ worth it after all._

"Now," Haruhi said, suddenly becoming all business, "where's all the stuff I asked you to get?"

Kyon dropped the cup as his heart suddenly began to seize up. He collapsed a few seconds later.

"Kyon? Hellooo, Kyon? Hey, guy who's as strong as Imouto says what? …That usually gets to him Mikuru, I think he's dead. Sigh…well, we'd better break out that stuff the guy downstairs gave us. What did he call them again? Fee-nix downs…?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, that took me much longer than I'd have liked it to be. Still, I finally finished it, so now I can focus more effort on the other things I'm writing. _

_Speaking of which, if you're a fan of Bleach then I recommend checking out my story "Cold Fuzz". Think of it as the insanity of Haruhi-chan mixed with the characters of Bleach and thrown into a cop show. _


	23. Go go RPG: part 8

_Disclaimer; This Haruhi parody was filmed in front of a live studio audience and is owned by the United Orthodox Church of Haruhi-ism. I own nothing. (Except for the whole dang idea.) _

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

For some reason, it didn't take me that long to get dressed; I kind of just walked behind a curtain and then walked back out dressed in my school uniform. It was kind of a relief, actually, to not have to go through that particular morning ritual.

When I finally made it downstairs, Haruhi and Miss Asahina were both sitting in some chairs by the front window.

"Good morning Kyon," Miss Asahina said cheerfully. "Did you sleep well?"

Actually, I slept very well. Thanks very much for asking.

"I-" I began, before I was interrupted by-

You know what, you should all know by now who does all the interrupting in my life.

"You sure took your sweet time getting here," Haruhi grumbled. "Now sit down and don't say anything." She stood up and pointed to the chair she was just sitting in.

I sat down next to Miss Asahina, wondering what was so important that Haruhi had to tell us like this?

"OK. Now, today, we're going to look for treasure!"

Treasure? Wow, that's surprisingly ordinary, _especially_ for Haruhi. Usually she just makes us go on those city-wide searches of hers, or do something else that lines up with her "extreme" interests. Come to think of it, I'm sure this idea is probably just as _extreme_ as the rest of them.

"Treasure hunting sounds fun," Miss Asahina said, trying to sound interested.

"I like your attitude Mikuru; fifty points for you!"

Haruhi, could we please get to the point?

"Anyways,..." Thank you! "...we're going to go search for treasure in the Aeon Tower~!"

Huh?

Could someone who actually know what's going on please explain it to me? Please?

"Um, Miss Suzumiya? Where exactly _is_ this tower?" asked Miss Asahina. I don't know whether she was genuinely curious or she was just trying to help me save face by asking herself, but I don't think there was anything sweeter she could have said.

Crap, Haruhi's glaring at me again.

"I'm glad you asked that, Mikuru! According to this map Kyon and I got a while ago," Haruhi spread the map on the check-out counter, "it's about a day or two to the west of our position right now. So if we start right now, we should get there in no time!"

I looked at where Haruhi was pointing on the map. Hmm, it did kind of seem that far away.

"Hey guys, what's up, nyoro~?"

Oh, Tsuruya, when did you come in?

"We were just about to leave for the Aeon Tower soon," Haruhi replied. "What's up with you?"

"I just wanted to catch you guys before yous left."

Thanks Tsuruya, that's very sweet of you.

"Besides, I have some megas thank you gifts for you guys for getting my armor stock back~!"

Haruhi's eye lit up like spotlights.

"You don't have to do that for us, Miss Tsuruya," Miss Asahina said, waving her hands politely.

"Please...," Tsuruya insisted, "it's the least I can do for them for getting all my armor back! And you've been a megassa help to me with this store, so you deserve something too!" She then handed a box to Miss Asahina, beaming the entire time. "Open it~!"

Miss Asahina did, and pulled out a magic wand. To be honest, I thought it was a little gaudy; it was all pink, glittery, and had more hearts on it then a Valentine's Day sale at a card shop. All of this was topped off by a large red heart fastened on top.

Apparently, though, Miss Asahina thought it was perfect.

"Thank you _sooo_ much, Tsuruya; it's perfect!~"

See what I mean?

"I thought you'd like it, nyoro~. I heards how you helped get the armor back, so I thought this would helps with that~! It's called the _Beautiful Dreamer_."

Then she turned to Haruhi, "And this is for you, Haruhi-nyan." Tsuruya held up the mail shirt that Haruhi was looking at the other day. You know, the one that cost over 9000 Coins?

"Thanks a ton, Tsuruya. My arms will forever be grateful to you~!"

Wait, how can your arms be grateful?

"And finally, this is for you, Kyon~!" She held out a pair of tough looking boots.

Boots? Really? Miss Asahina get a wand that help with her magic and Haruhi get armor that protects her [apparently vulnerable] arms? And all I get are boots?

Did I offend you in a former life or something?

I must have unconsciously raised an eyebrow or something, because Tsuruya explained; "Don't worry, they're special boots, nyoro~; they'll make your kicks do more damage in battle."

Oh, I guess that's alright then. But how did you know I kick when I fight? I never told her, and she's never seen any of us fight.

"I didn't know what to get you, so I asked Haruhi-nyan about it last night when I was picking out your gifts," she explained.

Oh, that's how.

"Thanks very much, Tsuruya," I said, slipping my new gift on. (For some strange reason, they fit perfectly over my normal shoes.)

"Glad you like them," she replied. "I made a megas killing from the inflation I had to institute that I felt like splurging a little~!"

You turned a profit from those ridiculously inflated prices on your armor? You must either be one heck of a saleswoman, or people around here aren't as savvy as I am. Which is saying something, because I once brought a worthless pen because some guy on the street told me it was a "magic" pen that would help me win over the love of my life.

Though in my defense, I was about seven at the time.

"Well," Haruhi said eventually, "now that that's over with, let's get marching, everybody!"

What? I only just finished getting my second boot on!

"And don't worry about starving on the trip there; Tsuruya packed us all some food yesterday night. It's sitting right outside, so we don't have to waist any time doing that now and loosing daylight."

Damn! That was going to be my argument for waiting! I'll bet she somehow strong-armed Tsuruya into doing it for her as well.

"Now stop lollygagging and get your lazy butts out that door!" she said, dragging Miss Asahina along with her. I reluctantly followed them, pausing to say thanks to Tsuruya for everything she did for us.

As I made my was outside, I saw that Haruhi and Miss Asahina already had their packs on.

"God, you're slow," Haruhi grumbled, poking me with her stick.

"Ow! Well, I'm here now." I looked around the immediate area, "So where's the third pack?"

"It's right behind you," Haruhi said, pointing in the direction I just came from. I looked behind me, and saw a pack at least twice as big as the ones the girls were wearing.

"I'm not carrying that," I said adamantly.

"Yes you are!" Haruhi declared. "You're carrying it, and you're going to like it!"

"But it's twice as big as yours!" I complained.

"Oh, quit whining, you big baby! You're a guy, you can handle it."

As sound as your logic is, you neglected to factor in that I might, just _might_, not want to carry a pack that's almost as big as I am.

But as my luck would have it, Haruhi had already walked away before I could argue further.

Fortunately, she hadn't dragged Miss Asahina with her, so at least I had some intelligent conversation for the trip.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

OK, seriously developers, _why do you always have to put all these Random Battles in RPGs?_ I ask this because we've just come out of our _twenty-fifth_ battle today.

And it's not even noon yet!

Actually, the battles themselves weren't really that bad (Miss Asahina even gained a level); All the enemies were just low level "cannon fodder" and we beat them without too much trouble. However, a couple of times we were pitted against monsters like those King Rats before and I always seemed to get beat up when that happened.

And what made it worse was that Haruhi got stingy with the Health Potions again. (She said I "didn't need them unless I was right at Death's door", while she downed them if she was looked at the wrong way.) It also didn't help that she found my secret stash if Potions that were for situations just like this one.

"Argh! Will you quite sighing like that?" Haruhi suddenly burst out. "You've been doing that for _hours_ now; you sound like you have asthma or something."

Was I sighing? Huh, I didn't notice...

"Miss Suzumiya?" Miss Asahina asked after a minute of awkward silence, "How much farther to this Tower?"

Haruhi stopped and got the Map out, spreading it out on the ground.

"OK. Now, where are we on this thing...?"

I looked over Haruhi's shoulder and mentally falcepalmed. Really, Haruhi? How about the big, flashing dot that say "You are Here" above it? She practically excels at anything else she does, and yet she can't read a simple videogame map?

Something's just not right about this.

"Anyways," she continued, "the Tower's here, and Tsuruya's place is here, and we left around eight o'clock, so..."

Seriously, there's a big flashing dot on the map that's as big as a 100 watt light bulb, how could you not see that?

"Um..."

Must...resist...urge...to...strangle...Brigade Leader!

"OH!" she finally exclaimed triumphantly, "Here we are!"

Then her smile fell.

"Oh, we didn't get very far at all."

Of course...

"How far _did_ we get?" I asked, somehow knowing I'd not like the answer. Haruhi turned the map towards me.

"See the big, flashing dot right there? That's where we are right now."

Oh gee, did you figure that out yourself, or did you have help?

"And the Aeon Tower is still all the way over here, on the other side of the map. So judging by this map, and by the distance we've traveled so far, it might actually take us another week to get there on foot."

"I thought you said it was only going to take two days!" I yelled at her.

"I never said that!" she yelled back.

"Yes you did; when you were telling us about this crazy scheme of yours."

Got you now, Haruhi.

"Whatever, let's just keep walking."

Huh? Am I missing something here? Haven't we just been walking all day, and you want to _keep walking_?

Um, I'd like to take the red pill now, please.

"There's another town about twenty minutes further down this road, we'll rest when we get there."

"Thank God," I said, breathing a sigh of relief. "I hope they have a tavern or something there, I'm starving."

"Wimp!" Haruhi scoffed. "It's always about food with boys, isn't it?"

Yeah, well you're one to talk, bub. You practically inhale food faster than Nagato does! And that's saying something!

"Don't give me that look! Just keep walking." Then she turned around and softly muttered "Idiot."

I could still hear her, of course.

"I heard that," I told her in no uncertain terms.

"Idiot!" Haruhi said, turning back towards me. "Don't you know it's rude to eavesdrop on other p-OOOF!" she said, walking right into the last thing I ever expected to see.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Ooh, another cliffie! Aren't I evil? *hee hee* _

_Bet you'll never guess what Haruhi bummed into. (First person that does gets to decide what my next one-shot chapter will be about. I'm serious; if you actually guess right, I will let you decided what the next "Pwnage" one-shot will be.) _

_Yippie-kai-ay, mother reviewer!_


	24. Go go RPG: part 9

_You know, I've gotten so many freaking Story Alerts for this story, but surprisingly little Favorites. _

_What's up with that?_

_Anyways, thanks a ton to __Jonbob0008__ for letting me use his phenomenal intellectual property in this thing. Thanks man! You're the best! _

_OK, I won't keep you guys in suspense any longer; you've earned it for sticking with the story this far._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

OK, I've found out that aliens, time-travelers, and esper actually exist, I saw glowing blue giants trashing a city, Miss Asahina was able to shoot lasers out of her eyes for a short time, my cat spoke Japanese and has a digital life form living inside him, Koizumi battled a giant freaking camel cricket, my sometimes friend turned into a Santa/ninja/ogre thing, I've lived in a world where Haruhi didn't exist, and I'm playing a videogame from _inside the game_, so you'd think I'd be use to all the crazy stunts that I somehow always end up involved in by now.

Unfortunately, _absolutely none_ of that stuff prepared me for finding Haruhi's house in said game with me.

That's right, HER WHOLE FREAKING HOUSE!

"Ugh," she moaned woozily from where she landing on the ground, "what hit me?"

Actually, it's more like what _you_ hit.

"You ran into your house," I told her bluntly.

"Really?" she said incredulously, "that's the best what you could come up with? 'I ran into my house?' My house isn't even..." Her voice fell away as she turned to look where Miss Asahina and I were pointing. "OH MY GOD! WHAT'S MY HOUSE DOING HERE?"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is today's $64 question. Submissions will be taken until 6 P.M.

"Did you know about this?" I whispered to Miss Asahina. She shook her head 'no'.

"I never heard about anything like this from my superiors," she said. "I'm just as surprised as you are by this."

"As long as it doesn't suddenly try to eat us, I really couldn't care less."

For a while we all just stared at the two story, Western style house, trying to deduce why it was here. If Koizumi were here, he'd probably explain how the house was somehow metaphysically tied to Haruhi so it would go where she did because it was something precious to her or something like that.

Come to think of it, Nagato would probably say something similar. Only with more big words.

"Well," Haruhi eventually sighed, "might as well see if there's anything in here we could use."

"Are you sure that's alright?" Miss Asahina asked nervously.

"It's my house isn't it?" Haruhi pointed out. "It's not stealing if you already own what you're taking."

_Like that's ever held you back before,_ I thought.

"Plus, anything interesting is already in my room, so we don't need to bother with the rest of the house."

Well, that was easy.

So where's the catch?

"Kyon has to stay outside though."

Ah, there it is.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it's not right for a guy to go in a girl's room without her permission."

"But couldn't you just give me permission?" I countered.

"I could…" she said, rubbing her chin. But then she slammed the door in my face and shouted "But I won't!", the door muffling her shout slightly.

Damn that girl.

Seriously, why couldn't I just go up there with them to begin with? Haruhi was probably just going to make me carry whatever it was she was getting anyways, and who knows what she was doing to poor Miss Asahina now that she was away from my watchful eye? I can just imagine it now; both of them alone in Haruhi's room, searching for whatever. Haruhi thinks she looks cute for whatever reason, sneaks up on her unawares, grabs her, wrestles her onto her bed-

No, bad thoughts. I'm just going to curl up for a while until they get back.

I don't know how long I sat there before I heard a bubbly woman's voice say "Is that Kyon? It is! Honey, Kyon's here too!" from behind the house.

"What the hell is he doing here?" a gruffer, male voice said in reply.

I knew instantly who the voices belonged to.

"Oh there he is!" Naru Suzumiya cried as she came around to the front of the house. She wore slacks and a pink blouse, along with gardening gloves and a sun hat. She was also holding a small hoe and a shovel in one hand. "Hi Kyon! What are you doing here?"

"Hello Miss Suzumiya," I said politely, still somewhat surprised that the mother of the girl who caused this whole mess was roped into this too. Then again, I probably should have expected something like this to happen. "I'm-"

"Well what do you know, it _is_ you," Oruki Suzumiya exclaimed as he followed his wife. He was wearing old jeans and a t-shirt that looked like it had seen better days, as well as a pair of heavy duty work gloves. He shot a suspicious glare at me, "What did you do _this_ time?"

Um, good to see you to, Oruki?

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he said, poking me right in the chest. Um, OUCH! "What the hell did you do to my daughter that caused us to be sent to this crazy place?" He stopped poking me and resumed his glare. "Is this one of those 'closed space' thingies your friend Mr. Smiles showed us?"

"Now dear," Naru admonished (bless her heart!), "stop pestering the boy; he clearly doesn't know any more than we do."

Um, thanks? I'm not sure whether to be insulted or relieved by that.

"Why don't we all go inside and Kyon can explain what he knows about this _interesting_ place over some tea," Naru suggested, marveling at the world around her.

I wonder how she'd feel about the giant rats? Knowing her, she'd probably say they were cute and try to hug them.

We made our way inside and into the kitchen. Oruki and I sat down at the table while Naru began preparing the tea.

"So," Oruki said after a minute, "start talking; how the hell did all this happen?"

That was the big question; how _did_ all this happen? I thought it was just because Haruhi spent too much time that day playing that stupid RPG, but knowing my life that would just be too easy. There had to be other explanations as to why it happened, but Nagato and Koizumi usually came up with those. All I had right now was the explanation Miss Asahina gave, and to be honest it didn't really make a lot of sense.

But then since when have their explanations _ever_ made sense to me?

"I don't really know exactly what happened," I said, electing to just give them my own experience for now, "all I can tell you is what I saw." Oruki grunted.

"I suppose that's the best we're going to get out of you," he said. "Go on, start talking."

"Well, I suppose it started a couple days ago at school, during one of our club meetings. Haruhi got a package in mail that turned out to be a Playstation 3."

"She did what?" Oruki practically exploded. "How on earth did she get 35,000 yen*?"

"I don't know," I said, "but we're probably better off _not_ knowing. Anyways, she had me set it up and then started playing some RPG she apparently got with it. She was still playing when we all left later in the day."

"It must have been a pretty good game, huh?" Naru interjected, looking over form the stove.

"I wouldn't know," I told her, "I didn't really pay attention to her. Anyway, after I left school I went home and eventually went to bed. When I woke up again I found myself next to Haruhi in…wherever this place is."

After that I recounted all the trials and tribulations Haruhi and I'd had since we got here: the fight with the king rat, meeting Tsuruya and Miss Asahina, accepting Tsuruya's quest, our fight with Taniguchi and Kunikida, and all the other stuff that happened before I met them just now.

"Did you meet any ghosts?" Naru asked giddily once I'd finished recounting my tale. I shook my head no, and her face fell.

Oh crap, now I feel guilty.

"If I do see any ghosts," I told her, "I'll be sure you're the first to know." Fortunately, this cheered her up a little.

"Kyon?" a surprised voice came from the stairway. "What are you doing in here? I thought I told you to wait outside and- Mom? Dad?"

"Hi honey!" Naru said cheerily, pouring the now finished tea. "Isn't this exciting? We're in a completely different world; how cool is that?"

Typical Naru.

"Sure it is," Haruhi said, still slightly taken aback at the sight of her parents. "Um, what are you guys doing here?"

"No idea!" Naru said with her typical zeal. "We just woke up the other morning and found ourselves here. Tea?"

"Yes please," Miss Asahina said. Haruhi just shook her head.

"Where the hell did you get enough money for a PS3?" Oruki asked, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Th-that's not important right now!" Haruhi stammered. She turned to me, "Kyon, for the crime of disobeying your Brigade Leader and not waiting outside like you were told, I hereby give you the penalty of-"

"I didn't have a choice in the matter!" I protested. "Your parent invited me in; how could I say no?" Especially when Oruki would probably break my neck like a twig if I did.

"It was my fault Haruhi," Naru told her daughter, her eyes welling with tears. "I was only trying to be hospitable, and…"

"Stop apologizing dear," Oruki sighed. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Fine," Haruhi humphed, "whatever…"

"Oh yeah, did you find what you needed?" If we were getting off topic I might as well use it to my advantage.

"None of you beez-" She stopped when Oruki sent a reprimandery glare. "Yeah," she said, letting out an exasperated sigh, "I did." She hefted a baseball bat with the words "Louisville Slugger" on the side over her shoulder.

"A bat?"

"It's better than the branch," she shrugged. "Less pointy bits."

"Why do you need a bat?" Oruki asked suspiciously. "You're not planning on fighting more of those rat creatures, are you?"

"_No!_" Haruhi said so extravagantly that an illiterate monkey on valium could tell she was lying. "I would _never _do that! Why would I do _that_? Stupid, _stupid_ rat creatures!"

"Just be sure to remember what I taught you," Oruki sighed, wishing he were still ignorant to the fact that his daughter was god. Needless to say she ran up and hugged him.

"Thank you Daddy!" she squealed like a girl for their favorite teen Idol singer.

"And be sure to look for ghosts?" Naru asked, her eyes so big and shiny I could almost swear she stepped out of an anime. Wouldn't that be funny? My life with Haruhi as an anime?

Don't make me laugh.

"Yeah, whatever Mom," she said hastily, grabbing her coat from the rack and heading out the door. "Anyways, places to go, treasures to find!" Haruhi announced as she slammed the door shut behind her. For a while we all just stared at the door, almost too stunned that Haruhi had just up and left us. Then she burst back through the door, hurrying up and grabbing Miss Asahina while she was in mid sip of her tea.

"Oops," Haruhi said sheepishly, "almost forgot my Brigade members!"

Hey! What am I, chopped liver?

"Ah!" Miss Asahina squealed as Haruhi pulled her along.

"Hurry up Kyon!" Haruhi called after me. "I want to make it the next town by nightfall! The loser has to buy the room!"

Wait, I thought our funds were communal? Whatever…

"Well," I sighed, "I'd better go make sure she doesn't bring the world to an end." I wish I could say I was joking, bad sadly, I'm not. That was pretty much my job description.

"Have fun!" Naru said, waving. Oruki just glared at me.

I _really_ hate that guy.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Two hours later we were back on the road, trudging towards the next town marked on the map.

"Hurry up you two!" Haruhi the slave driver yelled back to us. "If we don't make it to town by nightfall then _someone's_ getting a Penalty! And not the good kind either!"

How could there be a _good_ kind of penalty? So you mean I haven't been getting the _bad _kind all this time?

"I…can't…go…on…much…longer…," Miss Asahina panted. It would have been kind of cute if she weren't crawling on ground like someone who just got the snot beat out of them.

As usual, Haruhi wasn't much help.

"Don't be such a Debbie Downer, Mikuru," she said, shoving a Health Potion at the helpless angel- Sorry… "Have a Health Potion, you'll feel much better." It still surprised me how she could just go through those things like there was no tomorrow.

"Haruhi, how many of those things do we have left?" I asked.

"Plenty!" Haruhi said a bit too quickly (and rather defensively I might add). "At least seventeen."

"And how many do you down after each fight?"

"I don't know; three?" She was starting to get annoyed at this line of questioning. "Why?"

…No, too easy. Not that her obliviousness surprises me, it just that it would kind of be cruel to joke about that one. (But for those of you listening to this tale, if she drinks potions faster than she acquires them, well…)

"Maybe you should hold of on them unless you actually get a hurt for real." Quite sage advice if I do say so myself. "Instead of sucking them up like a vacuum cleaner."

Try and argue with _that_, you junkie!

"You are so…" Haruhi stuttered, "so…" Can't think of a good comeback, can you?

"Idiot!" she finally snapped. Guess she finally ran out of creative insult to throw my way.

For a while afterwards she didn't really say anything to either of us; she just sort of trudged on ahead, clenching and unclenching her fists. To tell you the truth it was kind of nice not having Haruhi going on and on about who knows what her mind thinks of. You could even say that I was thoroughly enjoying myself.

That is, until the ground exploded in front of us.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it folk, Oruki and Naru Suzumiya! In fact, I might even bring them back later. (Thanks again to JonBob0008 for letting me use them. You da best, man!)_

_Damn it Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a Reviewer!_


	25. ANNOUNCEMENT

Hello dear readers, its the Layman speaking to you. Unfortunately though its to bring you some rather dissapointing news.

OK, here goes; about a week or two ago the hard drive on my computer absolutely crashed, drestroying all documents that I hadn't posted yet. In short, most of my ongoing stories are now indeffinately suspended until such time that I feel the muse strike me to write for them again.

Pretty much the only one of my stories I'll be continuing (and this is becasue only one half-finished chapter for it was lost) is my Bleach fanfic "Cold Fuzz". Along with that I'm writing something for a good author friend of mine, Alex McMullen; I'll also try to be reconstructing that.

Anyways, I'm immensely sorry to all of you following my other stories; no one is more distraut over their suspension than me, and I hope to eventually return to them and continue their (mis)adventures. (Though I wouldn't hold your breath for that to happen soon.)

Most sincere apollogies, The Layman.


	26. The Melancholy of the Three Kingdoms

_Disclaimer: This chapter is brought to you by an immense friend of mine, Sir Alex McMullen. He's graciously contributed this chapter to the collection, and since I lost any unpublished chapters when my hard drive crashed I'm glad that everyone who took a liking to this story will be able to get another chapter to enjoy. And if you happen to like this, I suggest checking out the rest of his body of work. He has many good Bleach stories, as well as a small but well done collection of Hellsing ones, plus others. I highly recommend reading them. _

_Anyways, enough rambling, on with the story. As usual, I left everything as I found it, with only a bit of minor grammar editing. _

**The Melancholy of the Three Kingdoms**

You'd think I'd be used to it by now, don't you? You'd assume that enduring such brain-melting oddities for so long would have me accustomed to it all…How wrong you are. Living with Haruhi Suzumiya is different. Each new day is a brand new assault on my sanity. The rest of the scattered members of the SOS Brigade never bat an eyelash over the things that happen…but I do!

Now Haruhi Suzumiya has done some strange in the past and the events she's caused have been even weirder…But this just about tops it. Ever played _Dynasty Warriors_? Ever imagine _really_ playing it? Like getting off your fat, basement-dwelling ass, picking up a sword and fighting yourself? You probably haven't and I'm most likely rambling, but suppose you did. I bet it never happened, right?

It did for me.

Don't ask why, because honestly I don't know. And frankly, I don't want to know. There are some things man was never meant to know…like why I'm standing in Ancient China in ridiculously flamboyant armor with na shiny sword in my hand?

"Hey! Get over here, Brother!" Haruhi snapped.

"'Brother?' I'm not your brother, and besides…" I trail off when I turn around. Not because Haruhi looks cute in her battle costume, (Though it looked pretty nice on her, I must say), but because there are at least a thousand soldiers standing around her and _every single one of them_ looks exactly the same! Every last detail of theirs is identical; even their stance was the same. You know, the one that looks like they're constipated and yet still ready for war.

"Brother, get over here!" she yells so loud that subtitles appear under her, all in capital letters. No, I don't understand how that works either; but trust me, it happens.

I reluctantly approach her and she points her sword at me. At me! I know I bag the SOS Brigade a lot and I don't put in that much of an effort, but I could have sworn the whole "death penalty" thing was just a joke! Don't tell me she's actually going to-

She hefts her sword and lifts it up to the clouds. She looks toward me expectantly and when my heart slows down I copy her stance and raise my sword. She says something to me but I'm distracted by the subtitles again. She sighs and repeats herself, only this time with twice as much attitude.

"Pay attention!"

"What?"

"We three brothers-" (Yes, there _is_ wrong with that statement. But hang on, there's more.) "-shall fight together, destined to die on the same day, of the same month, of the same year, on the very same battlefield!"

Uh, no thanks. How about we just go home? You can take your anger out on a million, billion clones by yourself. That's why this game exists in the first place, isn't it? To keep anti-social psychopaths off the streets and safely inside where their mothers can supervise them?

"Um, excuse me…?" I murmur with as enthusiasm as I can muster. (Hint; it's not a lot.)

"Quiet Brother!" Haruhi cuts me off again. I know it happens a lot but it's still as annoying as it was the first time; just like Rebecca Black's 'Friday' or herpes. She flicks her hair back with one hand while using the other to point at a large valley beneath us. A large black splotch stains the mountainside and it takes a moment for me to realize that it's an army. An army of palate swapped clones.

"What is that?" I ask.

"That is the army of Wei. They are lead by a cruel and heartless warrior." Her face actually looks serious for once and that alone is stranger than just about everything else that has happened up to this point.

"So what do we do?"

Haruhi slaps me. Hard. And just like that, she's back. "What do you think we're gonna do? We fight!"

"Fight?" How?"

Haruhi smirks. That smirk that spells trouble… Actually, not trouble; more like doom. Actually, on _third_ thought, there are no words to adequately describe that smirk. But trust me, it's bad!

Anyway, she smirked and ran around behind a tree. I can't see what she's doing there, but there is an unmistakable scream accompanying her aggressive demands.

Miss Asahina… Oh poor Miss Asahina, I do feel sorry for her…

…But all feelings evaporate when she steps out from behind the tree. She looks like a goddess in her little maid costume, and- Hang on, wait a second! _Maid costume?_ Since when in Ancient China dod people wear maid costumes? I know games aren't prone to historical accuracy but for god's sake! (Or is it Haruhi's sake? I'm not sure…)

I think my surprise is obvious, because the way Mikuru whimpers at the sight of me sends waves of guilt through me. I shouldn't even be feeling guilty; I had nothing to do with this psychotic episode! Still, I stare somberly at the poor girl that has been dragged into this mess.

"Mikuru here is our secret weapon!" Haruhi exclaims. She forces her sad little to raise her arms in exaggerated glee but that only makes her cry out like an animal in pain…a poor little kitten or puppy or some other animal that appears on old people's calendars. That aside though, just how is Miss Asahina supposed to be our 'secret weapon' anyways? Not only is she involuntarily involved with this nonsense, but I'm quite sure that this is the girl who would lose in a fight with a speck of dust. So how then is she supposed to win a war with us? Magic?

...

Oh wait, that might work! This is a game after all…

A distant roar like that of a hundred lions tears across the valley and reaches our ears. It's chilling, especially when the huge patch in the earth suddenly starts moving and yelling and…well, just that. (But it's still scary!)

"You're going down!" a voice that most definitely belongs to Tsuruya strike from nowhere and everywhere at once. I spin around frantically, my eyes darting for a sign of her. The hyperactive ball of green hair and bubblyness appears out of thin air. It was only her upper body and head however, and it seemed like she just opened a window in the air and was leaning out to have a little chat.

"Tsuruya?...You're here too?" I ask blandly.

"Ha! Lowly commoner! Don't you dare speak to me! I'm megas powerful and in charge of my super cool army! We're gonna get you!" For no apparent reason she bursts into laughing (though she did that before she got dragged into this) and then she disappears within the little window in the air.

"Hmm, that was odd-"

"Ha ha ha!"

She's back again… She laughs for far too long and then vanishes into thin air again like the assistant in a lame magician's show. By the time her distraction is over the army of palate-swapped clones is almost upon us. I can actually see their uniquely identical faces.

Mikuru hides behind the tree again. I stand there like an idiot. Haruhi just laughs and picks up her sword. Don't tell me she's seriously going to…

"Haruhi, wait! Maybe we should-"

"Bring it on! Charge!"

Yep…she ignored me again.

Yep…still annoying.

Without a moment's hesitation (or seriously thought) she rushes into the foray and starts hacking away sat the mob of blue guys in a storm of bloodless mayhem.

"MISS SUZUMIYA!" Aw damn it! I know this is kind of serious and everything, but I just have to point out how sweet Mikuru is when she's- No, I won't say that. Now isn't the time. I have to do something before…before what exactly? Surely Haruhi can't be defeated in a world she created? Or maybe she can, but I don't really want to find out.

"Kyon, stop right there!" OK. Technically I wasn't moving anyway, but alright, I'll play along. I turn around slowly and face Ryoko Asakura in full battle dress on a black horse and…wearing an eye patch?

"So what are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

A sword slices through the air above my head.

Suddenly, I don't feel like being a smartass and the sense of real danger kicks in. I duck under another swing of Ryoko's great bit sword and run over to my own blade resting against the tree. I might not even know how to use a sword but I guess I feel safer somehow with it in my hands.

It doesn't help much though, as Ryoko just swats the weapon out of my hands and knocks me to the ground. As she stands over me she looks as tall as a mountain. Her imposing figure blocks out the sun and my sink goes all prickly. I fear for my life right now-

But not now. Ryoko has suddenly fallen over. Was there a strong breeze? Actually, I never noticed Yuki before. When did she get here? And what's with the mask she wearing? I thought she wore glasses?

"I fight." Well said. Easy enough, I suppose. They can tough it out for now while I climb up the tree and hide.

Meanwhile, Haruhi still fights alone and somehow overpowers them (God-mode much?) Mikuru is cowering nearby, crying softly. I can't really see what she's doing but it looks like she's putting in eye drops.

But I have little time to be observing the actions of the sweet young time traveler; I have more pressing matters to attend to. And by that I mean hide; hide and don't come out until it's all over. And so I scramble up the tree and hide in the thick leaf cover. I should be safe here and I can still see the battlefield through the branches.

Now things don't look so good; we're getting our asses 'mega-kicked' (as Tsuruya points out from her little window). This is bad, but if they want help then they are looking to the wrong person. I'm not the most headstrong of people, and unlike _some_ people testosterone does drip from my pours at every waking moment. (Strangely enough I'm talking about Miss Suzumiya here.)

So the battle is going downhill in two way, one of which because we're on a hill. Also, even the surprise appearance of Yuki Nagato has done nothing to turn the tide, and neither have Haruhi's one man army tactics. The short version is: we're screwed.

There's only one thing that can save us now…

"M-M-Mikuru Bean!" Miss Asahina cries out all of a sudden. She makes the "peace" symbol with her hand and places it up to her eye and a brightly colored bolt of energy shoots out, decimating the blue guys and somehow causing no damage at all to the ground. Which, by all rights, should have become a smoldering crater.

She does it again with her other eye, and then with both. In the end, the army of blue clones is reduced to a mere handful who run away screaming like drunks who just found out it's _their_ turn to pay for the tab for once.

I blink in disbelief. I have to be on an acid trip right now, or maybe I've gone insane from fear? Or possibly…oh I give up! Guessing games aren't much fun when anything is possible.

Anywya, the battle is over. Tsuruya ran off with her buddies soon after Haruhi slashed at her chest. Tsuruya backed off and ran away, cradling her arm for some reason despite being cut somewhere else and crying out "Nyoro!" for no important reason. But that's no longer important; the battle is over and so is the game!

Doesn't that mean we can go home now-

Now then, let us conquer all of China!"

…

I hate my life…

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_And there you have it! I hop you all enjoyed Alex's submit to this collection, and will review favorably (for both our sakes). And remember to check out Sir Mcmullen's own stories as well. _


End file.
